YUNGBLUD/One-shots

i thought you would leave me

A/N- this is s a long, rather triggering story. please be aware and enjoy.

t/w- drug use/self harm/eating disorder.

y/ns pov:

I lay on my side in bed, thoughts swarm my head. Ive haven't slept all night, light is beginning to poke through the dull, grey curtains. Another day of not wanting to be here.

I turn my head and see him lying next to me, I cant help but feel worse. I just want to tell him all my worries. Its not his fault i haven't, i'm too closed off to tell him anything.

The piercing sound of my boyfriends alarm clock strikes through me. God that noise gives me PTSD.

"oh shut up." Dom says sleepily as he struggles to turn it off.

I just dip my head back into the pillow and pretend to he asleep, I'm not in the right mood to talk to him. Soon i feel his lips on my forehead and then his footsteps across the room as he gets ready for work. Its about 8am and Dom likes to get to the studio early. Not that I'm complaining, i like having some time alone.

The front door closes and yet again, im here alone. It takes all my motivation to sit up and throw my skinny legs over the side of the bed. Why is being here so exhausting? I wonder that all the time. Why do i feel like this? Why me? Why can't i he happy. But the answers to those questions are for another story.

I stand up and immediately get a head rush, and not the good kind. Then the derealization starts.

Derealization definition- Derealization is a mental state where you feel detached from your surroundings. People and objects around you may seem unreal. Even so, you're aware that this altered state isn't normal.

Its like in watching my life happen in third person. But yet i'm completely aware. Almost like a video game from first person.

I walk into the bathroom and the automatic lights blind my vision for a second. I face the broken girl in the mirror and i cant help but pity her. The way her eye bags get more noticeable everyday. The way you can see her ribs through her skin. Her sliced arms and legs hidden under her big hoodie and joggers.

"you will never be enough." I remind her. But we all know that poor girl in the mirror is just a reflection of what I'm ashamed to be.

I know Dominic wont be back for the day so i take advantage of that.
I go in my bag and pull out my baccy pouch. Inside is hidden a small, powder-filled baggy. I get why they say your aways a recovering addict, you will always relapse.

I walk down the stairs of our apartment and go into the living room. I sit down on our black sofa and look around the room. Doms electric guitar sits in the corner, it reminds me of him.

Me and Dom have been dating for about a month now and have moved in together. Im just scared that if i ask him for help he will leave me. Think I'm weird and fucked up. He will take one look at my body and think i'm sick in the head.

I don't show any skin with the clothes i wear, i guess thats why Dom hasn't realised anythings wrong. I don't really like getting physical with him either and of course he respects that. He loves me for me.

I tip some of the white substance onto the coffee table and grab my credit card. Chopping up the substance sends an exhilarating feeling though me. I will finally feel something. My thoughts encourage me to sniff the line. And the next, and the next.

I must have fallen asleep, i realise as i jolt awake to the sound of the front door opening.

Oh this isn't good. Dom walks into the living room and his eyes land on me.

"You alright my love?" Dom asks as his eyes scan the coffee table which is still covered by my previous relapse.

"whats that?" Dom asks sort of concerned.

I sit up, coke residue still lingering on my gums.

"Dom can you go? I don't want you to see me like this." I say, suddenly becoming very self aware.

"Dom i'm so sorry." I try to clean up the mess of drugs.

"No its alright love. Come upstairs and lets make sure your alright." He says sweetly but concerned as he grabs my hand, ushering me up the stairs to the bathroom.

He passes me a glass of water from my nightstand and brushes my hair away from my face.

"Y/n darling why the fuck were you doing drugs?" He asks gently but firm.

"to feel something." I joke, still high off my face.

"sit on the counter. lets clean ya up." He says looking at my current state.

He uses one of my makeup wipes do clear up the smudged mascara from under my eyes.

"why aren't you mad?" I ask dipping my head into his chest.

"Love, id be lying if i said i've never done a few lines of coke. So of course i'm not mad. A bit worried though. You haven't been acting yourself the was few weeks. Answer me honestly, are you okay?"

"yeah of course." I close my eyes while my body swings side to side.

"lets get you changed into some clean clothes." Dom says.

His words sound like a blur. I just close my eyes not registering what he said. He lifts my hoodie off over my head, and i hear a almost inaudible gasp.

Suddenly, the position i'm in registers with my brain. My arms exposed. Fuck how can i be so stupid.

"y/n. W-whats this?" He stutters grabbing my arms gently.

His eyes scan my prominent old scars and the relatively new cuts that are just as deep. I can see his heart breaking. His thumb grazes of them softly.

"i-i i." I don't know what to say or how to get myself out of this.

"Why didn't you tell me love?" He says, a lone tear travels down his reddened cheek.

"I thought y-you would leave me." I sob out.

He holds me tightly, rubbing my back soothingly.

"I will never leave you. You don't need to hide these things from me, darling, ever." He soothes.