Have you ever reached the stars?

Chapter 10

Hope

My life doesn't make sense anymore!

I say one thing but deep down I mean another. It's been over two weeks since the night I left Jax's place and ended our little arrangement before it even started. I check my phone everyday for a text from him. I have got so used to waking up to one of his silly texts that my mornings seem mundane now.

Unfortunately visiting my aunt is no longer an option as they will be back home in mid August. I debated staying at home all day working on my back yard project but I dismissed the idea immediately. I am not one to hide and sulk. I know avoiding him in such a small town is something challenging but I am a grown, mature woman. I can handle it.

Lies, lies and more lies!

I almost cried the following night at the club's grand opening. Luanne insisted on going and although I put up a respectable fight, I managed nothing. My eyes were scanning the place nonstop for any sign of him and when I saw him laughing in the company of a beautiful redhead, I almost broke down. I have no right to feel like this. I made the choice to leave. There is nothing connecting us and yet I feel awful.

I keep bumping into him and by some kind of miracle he never sees me. I hide like an idiot, turn into another isle of the stores we meet but never find the courage to say a simple hello.

Today is a relatively chilly day. It has been raining all night and the sky is sunless when I wake up. No more rain just dark clouds and a refreshing breeze. I am bored of working on the house so I decide to take a walk instead. The sea doesn't feel friendly in this weather so I opt for the mountain.

Driving slowly for fear of slipping in the wet road, I have the chance to admire the scenery once again. Huge waves crashing the shore, turning the sand white and creating an image resembling a painting make me stop to take a picture. Once I am parked, I snap a couple of pictures and send them to my dad. He is the only one who will appreciate this beauty.

I hop on the driver's seat of my truck and ascend a little more. Passing by the famous hookup spot I met Jax almost a month ago I sigh. It's so annoying. I keep doing this to myself and I really can't understand why. I don't have feelings for him or any intention of catching any. I need my clarity back. I need to be in control of my life again. I need for anything I do to make sense.

I think I need him!

Shaking my head I refuse that what I just admitted is the truth. I have never depended on anyone for anything. I studied hard, worked harder to become who I am today. I am strong, decisive, competitive and smart.

I am lonely and miserable!

A very large percentage of my day is consumed by him. I miss his kisses and inappropriate jokes. I miss his showing off all the time. I miss his smile and the little kind gestures. I miss Luna and the way I teased him when I called him daddy.

I miss him even though I never had him!

I finally reach another clearing I came across last week. Better view as it is higher up the mountain, worse path to drive in but totally worth it. I take a deep breath, button my jacket and start walking.

He would have loved it here. Stop, not now, not ever again. Let me close my eyes and for one moment empty my head completely. Just me, the mountain and the never-ending sea in front of me. I need this calm, the silence and the things that remind me that life is great. I don't think I will ever forget my friend stubbing me in the back and stealing my work. I don't think I will ever allow myself to fall in love and trust another man again. But right now all these seem so meaningless in contrast to the beauty of nature around me.