StarCross

Confessions

I feel a hand on my head. I whip my head up. His hand falls back down on bed limply.

My heart stays still for a moment, and then it jumps at full speed.

He has woken up.

There are many things I want to ask him but his health comes first.

"How are you feeling now? Does it hurt somewhere?" I ask him worried that the whips must be burning his back.

He doesn't answer and only looks at me, blinking rapidly as if he can't believe what he is seeing.

"Chanyeol?" I hold his hand to see if he is awake or not.

He closes his eyes and opens them again.
He lifts my hand up and puts it flat on his chest against his heart.

"Here. It hurts here."

And my heart hurts more. I don't know how long I stare at him but it's long. His chest rises and falls and the wild desperate need to close the emotional distance between us makes my chest ache.

"I want to talk to you, Chanyeol, If you are feeling better."

"Yes Annie, I want to talk to you too."
His voice is flat and gave nothing away. Ofcourse he must hate me now. And I don't blame him. So I brace myself for the worst.

He keeps staring at me, his face taut in an unreadable mask. His arms are crossed tight as if he’s holding his raging emotions in.

Then finally I gather my courage and ask him,

"Why did you do it? Why did you volunteer for me?"

My voice shake as I remembered the events, him being hit again and again and my heart shattering with each splash of blood, his blood.

He looks at me holding my gaze. His eyes scanning my face looking for something desperately, then he looks disappointed when he didn't find it.

"Don't you know why?" He asks me back confusing me more. I try to think and all the possible reasons run through my mind that made him do it. They all end in one conclusion.

He is doing it because he thinks he should be punished for killing that man  and not anyone else. His conscience won't allow him to watch someone else take the fall for him.

As just as it sounds, I find what he did equally stupid. Anger rise in me, how can he not grasp the seriousness of this matter. The consequences at all?

"Chanyeol you have to stop, You can't think about things that way. You can't let this… this guilt…rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, Yes I opted for getting whipped, it was my choice and not your fault. This is how my life is now. If I go to work in morning I can't be sure that I'll return alive or unharmed. I know it's your  nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't
let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible—think of your members and—"

I was on the edge of losing it. I stopped to take a deep breath, hoping to calm myself. I had to set him
free. I had to make sure this never happens again. He has to understand the dangers of such actions.

"Vanessa Jane Cross," he whispered, my full name that only he knew, the strangest expression crossing his face. He almost looked mad.

"Do you believe that I asked to volunteer for you because I felt guilty?"

I could feel the blank incomprehension on my face. "Didn't you?"

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend."
"Then… what are you saying? I don't understand."