𝐷𝑒𝑓𝑖𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒 ✔️

#40

Dont be a silent reader <3

40!!!! 🎉

Aesira

My stomach fluttered and my cheeks burned. I could feel my cold necklace around my fingers as I ran the pendant along the chain. I had no reason to be feeling this way. My heart continued to beat two times faster than usual. I felt it hard against my breastbone as if I had just run a marathon. A constant feeling of unease stuck with me since I awoke this morning. I hated the feeling. It was something that I was too used to. And yet I still dreaded it.

I felt as if a bolder laid on my chest and a tower on my back. I felt sad and as if I needed to be happy for the people around me. But I can't help but think that they see through me and that I'm failing at everything. I felt the need to cry and release everything but I couldn't even find it in me to do that.

I know it's all my fault though. And that I'm the one allowing myself to feel this way. I wish I could change and feel different. I wish I could find love in myself.

I never understood the saying of 'you have to love yourself before you can love someone else' no matter how much I tried to love myself. Even a simple thing about myself, I would fail. But I held love for people. Even past people. And it used to be used to other people's advantage. They'd use me. I hated myself more for it and took it out on others. And I know I can be rude. I don't bother hiding it. But I keep my other emotions to myself. And I never share them. Not even to Athena

Instead, I lock myself away, far from everyone. I stare aimlessly at my surroundings and let my mind overtake me. I let my thoughts control my well-being. I completely give in to my sadness. I would never let myself admit that I was going through anything. I know how fucked up my life has been, but I would deny myself any feeling of feeling sorry for myself. Deep down I felt as if I deserved it.

I would cry myself to sleep every night to the point where no tears would come out. I felt myself slowly change as the months passed by but even then I still hear voices in my head -at every point of the day, no matter what I'm doing or where I am and who I'm with- all negative.

I can't love myself. I can't even like myself.

I wish I didn't feel like this.

I didn't have to work today, Athena on the other hand had an eight-hour shift. She has been gone for five hours already and I had been sitting silently in my room for half of the time. The rest I spent trying to fall asleep. I didn't doubt that my under eyes were on the verge of becoming a darker shade than they already were. My mouth felt like the desert: craving some sort of hydration. But I lacked all forms of energy.

I heard a faint knock coming from the door outside of my room. I looked at my closed door and debated whether or not I wanted to open the door to whoever was in the hallway. The knocking continued while I fought with myself.

I let out a whine and gathered up the smallest bit of stamina in my body so I was able to open the door. My steps were short and slow but grew faster and I heard the annoying bangs on the door more clearly. Opened the door the slightest bit and saw Jace standing in the hallway. He had on his work clothes and held a plastic bag in his hands.

"Hi neighbour, heard you were sick so I brought you soup- you look ill" he looked me up and down with no shame. My arms slid around my waist and I covered my body. I wasn't sick. Did I really look ill? I know I didn't look the best, I had been wearing Damon's clothes from last night that he offered to me. My wardrobe was now a majority of his clothes.

"Thank you, but I'm fine, April already brought me soup" I started to close the door but his hand stopped me. I sighed and opened it again.

"That was yesterday, you need soup, today" no I don't.