Typical Secrets

S E V E N T E E N

What the fuck. Did I wake up in my bed? I don't understand what's going on, was I dreaming about what happened with Ryder that whole time? No, that couldn't have happened. I sat up and my brother wasn't in his bed but he had been sleeping in there. I could hear my parents arguing from our living room to my bedroom.

I was up two hours before school, what is going on? I picked my phone up from the floor and looked at the messages that lighten up on my screen. I closed my eyes because of how sharp the light was and quickly turned it down.

Ryder : call me whenever you wake up.

He texted me that yesterday but I don't seem to understand anything that has happened lately. I clicked on his name as my phone began calling him and I put my phone up to my ear. I wasn't expecting anything, it was so early. The phone kept ringing and ringing and I was just about to hang up but then he actually answered.

"You first woke up now? That's not good." That was the first thing he said on the other line of the phone. I closed my eyes shut because I know what he means. I know what he's talking about. Of course, I know, something is about to go down I just don't know what it is right now.

"I don't know if you know, but you fainted on me yesterday. You opened your eyes after three solid minutes and begged me not to take you to the hospital. You kept saying that you couldn't see your father after he hit your sister and kept saying that you were tired." He added. Did I faint? I have never done that before, ever in my life. It's very surprising to me. I don't remember any of that happening.

And now he knows. He knows about my dad and Hailey.

"I carried you home with help from your brother. I haven't slept all night. Alissa, please begin eating, I'm terrified of whatever the fuck is going to happen if you continue. Please." Ryder begged. I put the phone away from my ear and sighed to myself. I put it back up and listened.

"Just get some more sleep and we'll see each other at the school. I'll see you around." Ryder said and immediately hung up on me without giving me the chance to answer him back. I laid down and put my hands on my stomach and my head down while I began to cry. How do I mess things up without noticing all the time?

How do I proceed to fuck everything up every time? Why can I never have anything good? Everything hurts and I can't help but cry because I know I can't do anything else. I don't have any other choice than this and that's my fault. I should have never quit eating. Hailey should never have said that shit to me because then, I wouldn't have started doing it.

I sat up again and wiped my tears away while looking into the mirror that was in my closet. I pushed all of the feelings away and walked out of my bedroom. When I walked past the living room and heard my parents, I forced myself not to stop and go in there. It was too much of a risk. I went into the kitchen instead and I found Ben in there.

He was covering his face with his hands, he had probably been listening to their arguments the whole night long. I sat down on the chair next to him and put my legs up to my chin.
"Thank you," I said. Benjamin looked up from his hands and saw me. He just nodded nothing else. They were yelling so loudly that I was wondering what my neighbors were thinking.

"They have been yelling at each other since yesterday. It just hasn't stopped."

I sighed and put my hand on his shoulder. "I admire you so much. I know what you have been through, I've seen what you have been through and you still have the courage to do as you want to and I'm so proud of you. I wish I could be more like you." I told him and waited for a response. He looked up from his hands.