𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐈𝐅𝐔𝐋 𝐁𝐎𝐘.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧...

❝ i know you've
been through it
i know you've been
going through it
i know these other girls
can't do it like i do it
i know you ain't
used to it- to the
better things .. baby
you deserve the better things ❞

***

indigo's pov

"it's nice to see you babydoll. it's been a minute huh?"
"it should've stayed that way," i reply quietly because despite the line i just inhaled, i don't even have the energy to raise my voice. instead, all i feel is stupidity .. maybe even a little bit of regret?

since when did drugs get boring?
it's the only question my mind can procure as i sit in the passenger seat of the older man's car who's scent consists of something warm.. musky, mature, with a slight edge from the ink he uses to tattoo people all day and the weed he smokes while he does it. at first, i was addicted to ev's scent. i liked to inhale it while i inhaled whatever it was he gave me, but now..

now i find myself missing linen and lavender and stressing when i'll be able to truly smell it next. stressing hard, like i have been all day because despite it being saturday i couldn't even manage to get out of jae's bed until i was the only one in it and the house was empty. i guess i was exhausted from last night and all that happened but a part of me finds myself extremely overwhelmed- to the point where i wonder if my confession should've ever been admitted or not.

i'm not a pussy- i never have been. i've tried it all without any thought to how it would affect my body- lsd, molly, painkillers, nic, even heroin..

so why the hell am i so scared to get into a relationship with a sixteen-year old boy who wouldn't lay a hand on a fly?

is it perhaps the vulnerability that scares me- or the commitment? maybe the fact that i'll be tied down to one person, and just one person whom i would need to tell all my feelings to?

no- it's him i'm scared of.
that's what it is; the thumping in my heart that hasn't stopped since last night. i'm terrifed of jae and the feelings that he has for me. i'm terrfied of what could possibly make him smile or blush so hard when he looks at me, because last time i checked i'm not exactly a saint.

i'm scared that if he knows who i really am, the trust i have placed in him will suddenly corrupt and shrivel like the lifeforce of my father. i'm scared that the boy taking four college courses on the weekends and spending every moment of his time either working or training will realize that the only job i'll ever be equipped for is to pawn off my body. i'm scared that once he realizes i have- that i've been used up and am nothing but damaged goods the look of disgust he uses on others will soon be used for me. i'm scared that once i truly allow him to know me, that he'll soon realize that there's no hopes of being with me because, i myself, have no hope- for anything.

i'm destined to die in the same shitty town i've lived in for most of my teenage years, behind a building or placed in a dumpster after a job gone wrong- or maybe one of these days, i'll just snap like my daddy and "get sick" when it was apparent that he was clearly the taker of his own life.