𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐈𝐅𝐔𝐋 𝐁𝐎𝐘.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲-𝐬𝐢𝐱...

❝ i can see it in your eyes,
that you wanna get out..
i can see it in your eyes,
that you need it right now
that you need it right now,
that you wanna get out
that you need it right now,
that you wanna get out-❞

***

𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐥.
𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐠𝐨'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯.

"fuck." i cuss as soon as i step into the house, my head ringing from the suffering i just endured.

i'm not exactly sure why amir of all people had to take me home but i find not having an official license is becoming more and more of a burden to me every single day. if i happened to take a driver's test right about now, i'm sure i could pass whether or not i could actually get a vehicle; after all, anything is better than riding with that overly-talkative junior who was obviously trying to fucking kill me with the rate at which he talked.

i would've told him to shut up in the car if he wasn't doing me a favor and more importantly, was jae's best friend, but instead i found myself more silent than i usually am with a life-sized headache. huffing, i take off my school bag and sit it on the floor before taking a moment to glance around the sparkling clean home.

i still can't wrap my head around this shit.
sometimes i feel lost here, in this home that is always scrubbed clean and lightly scented of something i cannot describe as anything other than comfort- yet, when i think of the yellow, dim lights of the institution from which i came from i don't miss it. i don't miss the raggedy text books that they gave us, because truth be told this is my first year in a real school; i don't miss the dirt and dust gathering in the corners of the walls and floors; i don't miss the murky waters of the shower that used to sting my skin when i had nothing to hurt other than myself; i don't miss the disgusting food that made your mouth quiver with reluctance; i don't miss my dented wall littered with the many outlines of my fists that are uncontrollable when i feel rage, nor do i miss the lumps in my mattress that hurt my back.

no. i like it here; i like waking up in the mornings and being greeted with a sincere smile even if i don't have the means to return it, because at least i know yosef means it; i like the warm meals i eat in the mornings without the looks of judgment thrown on me cause people swear that because i'm 'fat', i can possibly never get hungry; i even like the little pill yosef cooks into my meals because i like the way i've changed. i like the vase of flowers that sits at the table; i like that i have my own room, all to myself and that yosef was even kind enough to buy me decorations; i like the warm scent of vanilla that burns from the candles always lit in the quaint little bathroom across from jae's room, no matter the hour; i like his flannel sheets that smell just like him, of lavender and rain and all things that are just beautiful as him- but most of all, i like that he's here.

in fact, the only thing i don't like is how bad i want to stay which is why i'm finding it harder each day to proceed with what i'm doing- what we're doing. i love us more than anything. i love jae more than anything, and that's exactly why i can't seem to fully act like it because the desire in me that once yearned to destroy has become a fear, and now the only thing i'm scared of is staining the walls of these perfect walls with my incompetence.