𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐈𝐅𝐔𝐋 𝐁𝐎𝐘.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲-𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧.

❝ and for you,
i keep my legs apart,
and forget about my tainted heart.

and i will never ever be the first to say it
but still i, you know i would do it,
push a button
pull the trigger, pull a mountain, jump off a cliff
cause you know baby,
i love you, love you a little bit ❞

***

𝐣𝐚𝐞'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯.
𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠.

silence can be violent.

as a naturally quiet person, silence has never really bothered me; in fact, i welcome it. i've never had the problem with it most people have, or tried to get rid of it by projecting meaningless words into the air that will embarrass me later on but after these last couple of days, i wish i'll never be subjected to something so infectious again.

he hasn't spoken; not at all.

indigo popped up again some time on wednesday morning with no explanation but i can't say i'm looking for one- i'm simply glad that he's breathing, and i know i won't get one anyways so there's no point in expecting one. whatever it was that made him leave seems to have completely changed him in ways i never anticipated nor thought possible and my concern grows with each day. how couldn't it when somebody so painfully outspoken is suddenly so dependent that he can't leave my side?

i don't mind it at all. it would scare me if he was completely distant, but it's as if leaving him alone anywhere is completely out of the question. the other day when i tried to leave for work he got angry- so angry that i stayed, only for him to say absolutely nothing to me other than short response to questions. it's as if he's gone mute, only talking when necessary and completely distancing himself from the mere thought of doing anything else than holding onto my waist on all hours of the day; school, evening- even around yosef and i don't care either; i'll hold him as long as he wants until he feels comfortable enough to talk again. it's just that i'm scared.

what's going on inside of his mind that stops him from sharing his thoughts? does he think that i won't receive him? is he scared? if so, what scared him?

when did the light behind his eyes die?

even if it's shallow, i can't help but to think that it's me; that i've done something to hurt the boy who i wouldn't dream of harming. it worries me to the point where my eyes stay open all throughout the night but at least i'm not alone; his are always right on mine, depriving themselves of any rest and refusing to close.

i just wish he would say something- i wish i could take the pain he feels so heavily and accept it as my own so he didn't have to cry every single night but i can't; i can't, and i hate myself for being so useless when he's done nothing but give endlessly. the frustration makes my head ache with a certain anger that hasn't been new to me these days, because i know indigo is acting like this for a reason; i know about the fear in his eyes whenever i touch him first; i know about the way he tightens onto me whenever somebody even gives him a passing glance; i know about the long-sleeves and sweats he wears in eighty degree weather; i know about the dark circles under his eyes and how he leaves the bed early in the morning and locks himself in the bathroom; i just don't know why.