if i were : karlnap

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does this suck

11|13|20

A knock causes Sapnap to finally stir. He blinks his eyes open slowly and winces. The night before feels like a dream now that Sapnap thinks about it. Was Karl really there, or was he all a dream again? Did they actually have their talk?

Another knock forces him out of his thoughts. He gets out of bed quickly and walks to the door. His answers are revealed when he opens it and sees Karl.
"Karl?" the name sits on his tongue like it's weighted. It holds everything; all of his answers, all of his fears, all of him. He's still getting used to saying it, and to seeing the person it belongs to.

"We still left some things unsaid, we're going to go eat dinner and talk" Karl states. Sapnap winces, "In public, you're sure? What if it gets messy?" Karl tilts his head slightly and hums gently, "Tangled and messy, that's how we've been and we'll always be. That's alright with me. Get dressed, let's go." He closes the door and Sapnap does as he says. He freshens up and changes into cleaner clothes, then steps out of the hotel room. Karl smiles at him with thin lips and waves at him to follow.

The car ride is silent other than the radio and small talk. Karl refuses to talk about them until they're at the restaurant. Sapnap hopes this turns out okay.

Soon, they arrive and request a table. They get seated outside, which Sapnap thinks is way better for if this were to end badly. They sit order their drinks, get them, then order their food. Karl waits until their food has arrived to talk about it.

"Quackity told me he had talked to you about me acting on impulse a lot with certain things. Back in college, he did" Karl mentions. Sapnap lifts his head up from looking down at his plate and nods.
"He did. Why?" Sapnap asks, stabbing his food lightly. He almost loses his appetite because of the anxiety.

"I'm sorry for blocking you for like three months. That was because I didn't think you had showed up. I was angry at first, and so I acted on impulse. I was guilty after, but I kept fighting with myself about your true feelings so I struggled with unblocking you. When I did, I hadn't heard from you after that so I-" Sapnap nods his head, "I understand. It's okay, I'm sure I would've reacted the same way. Sometimes, things don't work out the way we plan. Not that you had planned it, but I mean like: for me, I expected you to answer. I had it written in my head how it would go. It never happened." Karl nods, "Yeah, I agree with you."

They fall back to silence and take mall bites. Karl bites his lip and looks back up at Sapnap. Sapnap senses it and meets his eyes. Karl's eyes soften and he forms a small smile.
"I was in pain too, for a while. After I got over the anger, I dreamed of you almost every night" Karl admits. Sapnap's mouth falls agape and sorrow forms into his features.
"I-" Sapnap starts, but his lips press back together again. Karl finishes, "It wasn't enough."

Sapnap sucks in a breath as his eyes fall closed. He exhales gently to try and calm himself so he doesn't cry.
"Nick?" Karl calls. Sapnap opens his eyes and hums. It's all he can do at the moment.
"You always meant the world to me. I'm sorry I let you forget that" he confesses. Sapnap finally understands he wasn't alone. They were both in pain; both confused, hurting, afraid, missing.
"It's okay" Sapnap breathes, "I forgive you." Karl smiles softly, "I forgive you too."

"You know we still have so much to work through. That hurt isn't gone, it's all we've known for the past two years. With the additional random moments of happiness from outside sources, not each other. I was so close to being over you, over us, and then there you were. Right behind me in the store just like when we met" Sapnap argues. Karl winces, "Tina always used to tell me we were a cliché. The way we met, our dates, our goodbye. It makes sense it stuck again, maybe we were meant to be a cliché. It's possible."

Sapnap shakes his head, half amused. Karl plays with his fry, "You don't think so?" Sapnap sighs and drops his own fry back onto his plate.
"No, I agree. I'm just glad I'm not alone finally" Sapnap answers. Karl furrows his eyebrows, "What do you mean? In believing we're a cliché?" Sapnap shakes his head again, trying to dismiss the subject.
"No, sorta? This is for another time" he answers, then changes his own mind, "I'm still trying to find out the answer myself. Decide it." Karl nods, though he is mostly confused.

"Ready to pay?" Karl asks. Sapnap nods, so they pay their own tickets and get in Karl's rental car. This time, though, the ride is filled with communication. They talk about what they've been up to the past two years. They relearn each other, get to know the other again.

They walk in the hotel in comfortable silence, and Karl walks Sapnap to his hotel room. Sapnap unlocks his door and steps in, then hesitates. He turns around, his arm twisted weirdly to hold the door handle. He meets Karl's grey-blue eyes and his own soften. Their eyes send silent messages neither of them realize, yet in unison, Sapnap mumbles out "Do you" and Karl murmurs "Can I?" Sapnap shifts his stance, giving access for Karl to walk in if he wishes to. Karl's eyes slip a few inches down, "If I were..." His eyes move to look at the inside of the hotel room, "to stay the night, it wouldn't hurt?"

Sapnap turns to look at the bed. He shakes his head. Sapnap watches Karl walk in, but his mind focuses on Karl's words. Does he?

It's two questions merged into one.

"Are you tired?" Sapnap asks. Karl shrugs, then nods.
"We can sleep" Sapnap suggests. Karl hums in delight, "Yes, please."
"Do you need clothes, or are you going to go back to change?" He questions. Karl smiles at him, "Clothes would be nice? Do you mind if I?" Sapnap shakes his head almost eagerly, "I don't. Go ahead." He lets Karl dig through his bag, grabs himself some sweats, then let's him change in the bathroom attached to the room as he changes in the room itself.

Karl comes out when it's safe, after asking Sapnap for permission. Then, he crawls into bed beside Sapnap. They lay in silence and feel like they're miles away from each other.
"Goodnight, Nick" Karl whispers, turning over to face away from him. Sapnap sighs gently, "Goodnight, Karl." He stares at the ceiling and focuses on how he isn't hurting. He hopes Karl isn't either. He soon falls asleep, along with Karl.

Written: 12/27/21 Words: 1179
me when i y'all are so confused by what sapnap means right i'll explain soon mayb next chap what

-moon ⎊