Don't Be Afraid To Love

Chapter 36

I cried that whole night until I felt my eyes so swollen and stingy that I could barely keep them open.

Knowing Robert didn't want to hear about me ever again made me feel like I was useless. I went through so much trouble for him, and I invested so many feelings, only to realize it was all in vain. I knew I had to get over it eventually, but it hurt so much that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do that. My love for him wouldn't fade away just like that.

I found myself tangled in a journey to save this man when, in reality, what I needed to do was to save myself.

The next day, I paid my 2000 euro debt to the agency - I wanted to be through with it and to not set foot in there ever again.

All my savings were gone. Margaret paid me my last paycheck, which was supposed to help me live for a month, and I had to find a new job soon.

I wasn't in the mood to look for another job just yet, though, because I felt like I needed to put my thoughts in order first.

I didn't want to talk to my mom just yet either, although I knew I had to tell her at some point.

The following days, I didn't leave my apartment. I ate very little food - I didn't feel the need to eat properly, and in stead I smoked all the cigarettes I had left. My head throbbed, and I was fighting a cold.

When I went to the post box to get my mail, besides meaningless leaflets, there was an envelope containing the document regarding the speeding ticket I got a few days before.

I can't believe I even got a traffic ticket for him, I thought to myself and realized he forgot to pay me the money for it.

I paid the ticket online, so I didn't end up with other penalties, and it was almost a third of my last money.

It was like everything was going bad for me: I was forced to quit my job, my boyfriend dumped me, my newly bought phone got shattered, and I lost all my savings.

I stayed like a vegetable inside the apartment for the following days, not knowing which way to go with my life. I hadn't imagined being dumped by Robert would hurt me that much.

Except for my mom - whom I didn't want to speak to too soon because she was only going to lecture me - I had no one. The only friend I had was Maria, but I didn't want to talk to her yet, either, because as curious as she was, she would have bombard me with questions about what happened with Robert and I didn't feel like talking about it.

I started to apply for jobs online, but it was like the bad luck was following me yet again because I wasn't getting any interviews.

My phone's screen barely worked anymore but I didn't have money to buy a new one.

In three weeks, when I almost reached the end of my money, I realized I had to take some drastic measures and start spending as little money as I could. So I started to go to my mother's for dinner more often, in order to save food money.

I didn't tell my mother about quitting my job because I knew she would be upset, and I didn't tell her about Robert either, although she would've probably been happy to know we broke up. I tried to keep our conversations as short as possible and not to stay to her place more than necessary. We only talked about general stuff and didn't go into deeper subjects. I didn't tell her I had financial problems - I was too proud to ask her for money.

In the meantime, my mother was bugging me about John - she said he kept asking about me and he sent me messages but I didn't reply.

The truth was that I wasn't able to reply to any messages anymore because of my broken phone. I could only answer the calls, and that was pretty much it. I could barely even see who was calling me - the screen was black for the most part of it.