Don't Be Afraid To Love

Chapter 38

I tried to forward to Robert the text message I had accidentally sent to John, and then I tried to type a new one saying that what he saw when he passed by my block wasn't what it seemed, but my phone wasn't cooperating anymore, so I gave up. Maybe it was a sign from God telling me I wasn't supposed to contact Robert anymore.

I still thought Robert should have at least given me a chance to explain myself regarding the house sale misunderstanding and regarding the accidental kiss from John. I wished Robert knew my side of the story, and then he could choose whether he wanted to talk to me again or not.

He was the calmest man I knew, and yet if something really got on his nerves, he would overreact so badly that you couldn't seem to see eye to eye with him anymore. I figured alcohol must've definitely played an important role in his behavior. Even though most of the time he got sad and melancholic when he drank, I guess other times he got angry and verbally violent.

In the long term, if I was being honest with myself, I wouldn't have liked to have beside me a man who had alcohol problems. And yet I would've fought and tried to change Robert and make him give up his vice. I would've done anything to know he was okay. I would've done anything to make him love me. But I had to ruin everything instead...

*****

I had reached the end of my money. My rent was due and I couldn't afford to pay it anymore. I still had no job. I was still in a sort of a depression.

My landlord had an interesting way of dealing with people who didn't pay their rent. He didn't kick them out, but instead, he would cut out the utilities. First the heating, then the electricity, and finally the running water. I was at the heating cutting level.

It was almost December and it was fucking cold outside! Needless to say it was freezing inside, as well. I was too proud to tell my mom I had no money anymore, so in order to avoid getting a cold or something I started to dress warmly, putting on more layers of sweaters and covering with two blankets at night.

My phone died completely. I had an old phone lying around somewhere in the house and I tried to find it and to insert my sim card in it, but it was no success - I didn't find it. My mom would freak out if I wasn't going to start returning her calls soon. I would eventually find that old phone, I thought.

I stood like that in the cold a few days, and then the power got cut out as well. I almost felt like I was homeless.

Any normal person would ask for help from their relatives or close ones, but I felt so depressed that I wasn't exactly thinking straight anymore. It was amazing how much could a depression alter a person's judgment.

I don't even know how many days I lived like that in the cold and darkness - I had lost track of time. I didn't even eat much anymore. But what was even more worried was that I felt I was catching a cold again. Ever since I stood in the rain that day when Robert broke up with me, I've been fighting that damned cold, but now it got the better of me.

I spent most of the days lying in bed with chills and coughing my lungs out.

I even felt delirious at some point, because I thought I heard Robert calling my name and then I dreamed I was in a place with a nice view and Robert was saying he was sorry. I felt like laughing in my dream - I was the one who hurt him and yet he was the one saying he was sorry. I was crying, but this time they were tears of joy, and then Robert and I kissed. And his lips on mine felt so smooth, so warm, so real, that it gave me goosebumps of emotion all over my body.

But then I woke up and I had chills again and probably fever. I felt drowsy and weak the whole time and I didn't have energy to leave the bed. So I went to sleep again.

*****

I was waken up by the thumping sound of someone knocking on my front door.

It was either my landlord or some Jehovah Witness spreading leaflets. Whoever it was, they would leave eventually. I wasn't in the condition to see anyone at that moment.

The thumps intensified. The person on the other side of the door insisted.

I got out of the bed feeling wobbly and looked through the peephole: it was my mother.

I sighed heavily and decided to open the door.

"Oh, dear God! You look awful!" my mother said when she saw me.

"Yeah, well, I feel worse..." I said with a rusty voice and headed back to the bed - I didn't feel strong enough to stand too much on my feet.

"What happened? Why is your phone always turned off? And why is it so cold in here?" my mother asked, visibly horrified of how she found me.

I wasn't in the position of hiding things from her anymore, because my physical state was pretty much speaking for itself, and I just burst into tears as I lied in my bed.

"Oh, honey, what happened?" my mother asked me, keeling beside me near the bed.

"We broke up," I said while sobbing.

"Ugh! Honey, if only I hadn't told you...."

She stroked my hair, like she did when I was a little girl and I kept sobbing quietly.

"Let's get you home, sweetie!" my mom suggested.

I nodded as a response. She helped me get a few clothes in a bag and called an Uber.

When we reached home, she turned the heat up so I would be warm enough and pumped me with some cold medicines and a bowl of hot soup.

Soon, I was starting to feel better already.

I started to confess to her about what happened, how I quit my job, how Robert and I broke up and how I spent all my savings on that fee I had to pay to the agency and on that speeding ticket I had gotten, and ultimately how I ended up with no phone, broke and with no one around me.

"I was just trying to help him," I said.

"Honey, what is your business helping him? You should see about your own life! I already told you this. I knew this would happen. You're almost 30 and you're still single. You should find a normal guy, a guy your age, not someone with strings attached who would only tangle with your life, not even knowing himself what he wants. Honey, for once in your life, listen to me!"

Her voice was calm and soothing despite her words. I was starting to realize that maybe she had been right all along. Maybe I was supposed to forget about Robert and move on with my life.

"I'm sorry for getting mad at you every time we talked, mom..."

"Awww...." she said and hugged me tightly. "It will get better, I promise. We'll spend the holidays together like we always did and I promise I will help you with everything I can so you get back on your feet, honey!"

I thanked my mom for being there for me when I was on the verge of losing myself completely and I promised her I would listen to her more from then on. After all, there was no greater connection out there than the one people had with their mothers.

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*One Republic- Connection*