The Method To My Madness

Heart Ache

I'm tired friends, I am so emotionally drained. I'm at this point in my life where I am completely lost. I thought I knew what a broken heart was but I am beginning to find out that I never knew a thing at all. I feel as though it has been my job to take care of everyone, to ensure that everyone around me is happy. But at what cost? I feel like I have allowed myself to stop caring about what I want and need, in an effort to keep the peace. Obviously I haven't even done a good job of that.

I am broken. I am defeated. I am strong. I will crash. I will cry behind closed doors. I am just a lost child with no way to find my way back home but I will survive this. I hope and pray for a better way of living than what I have right now. I understand that God only gives you what you can handle but I often feel as though his expectations of my tolerance for pain and drama is too high.

It's a terrifying feeling, when you're so hurt and upset that you become an empty shell of the person you were. When you can't recognize the person in the mirror and broken smiles start to feel normal....

I love my family but they're part of the reason I push people away. It scares me so much that just a few words from a loved one can cut me down into a pile of rubble. What if I DON'T know how to rebuild myself, if don't have the tools will I remain in the pile? Or will I eventually fade into the background like dust blowing in the wind? What scares me most is that I can know someone my entire life and not know them at all.

Did I have it twisted? Was the hero actually the villain? What if my rose colored glasses never came off? Am I supposed to trust them? Or perhaps, maybe I'm meant to be lost. I am not sure how I should go forward from here. Every step I take across this rickety bridge causes the floor beneath me to shatter just a little more.