The Method To My Madness

That Ain't My Mama

I'm not a mother. I have never given someone life. That's one job I could probably handle but I'm just not ready for. I'm not sure why people assume I have a child. I'm not saying I look like a mom because I don't. At least, I don't think I look like a mom. We live in a society where teen pregnancies are becoming more and more frequent, I guess people just jump to conclusions. However, I usually look nothing like the child I'm the supposed mother of. For example; I went to the mall with my best friend and her 6 year old nephew. They are Asian. I am a white girl. Tell me why the cashier thought the little boy with jet black hair was the son of a pale white girl with light brown hair? My best friend was right next to me. You would think they would think he was her kid but nah. This happens often but the most recent incident had to have been my favorite. 

I had to go to the restroom one day while I was in the car with my mom and brother. We had been running errands all that day and I suddenly had the urge pee like a race horse. I could not hold it so we pulled over at the closest establishment. Thank you America for having a McDonald's on every corner. I rushed in to the fried kingdom of glorious-ness and dashed to the restrooms. I stepped in and I became entranced by the elderly woman with cake-face and abundant perfume. I mean don't get me wrong, I really had to pee but as soon as I walked in I saw a body-length mirror being used by a woman clearly dressing younger than her age. She was talking to someone. That someone was in the stall that I was in dire need of. So I danced the potty dance til her daughter came out of the stall. I mean she could have passed off as this woman's sister but she called her 'mom-ma'.

I walked passed the second woman in her bright purple track suit and Ed Hardy hat before I created a lake. So I finish up what I needed to do but I felt frozen in place. I mean I was standing at the door of the stall wanting to unlock the door but I just couldn't. These two were screaming at each other. Over what? Oh! I'm so glad you asked! Steaks and fudge. I mean what else would you have a screaming argument over in fast food restaurant? Duh. 

Of course I wanted to wash my hands and get the heck out of dodge but what was I supposed to do? They were right in front of the sinks! So I stood there for like 5 minutes until suddenly they weren't shouting at each other but at a small child. Not in a rude manner but they were frantically trying to find out where this child's mother was. "WHERE IS YOUR MOMMY!? DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE IS? WHY ARE YOU UNDER THE SINK!" I couldn't take it anymore. I HAD to wash my hands and get away from these two. I mean this poor child!

I stepped out of the stall and suddenly there were 3 sets of eyes on me. "Is this your mommy? Are you his mother?!" Uhm what? I looked at the child. He was about 5 and he looked nothing like me. Picture it like this, if I am as white as snow he was the exact opposite. He looked at me and I looked at him. We looked at them then back at each other. Complete and udder silence. I couldn't form a sentence to save my life. Suddenly the boy spoke, "THAT AIN'T MY MAMA!" and he ran from the restroom. Now, I have no idea why he was in the women's room because it was just the crazy two and me in there. I shuffled between the two washed my hands and left the awkward space. As I left I heard the two go back to yelling at each other over how scary it was that he wasn't with his mom, steaks, and fudge. I also saw the boy crying on the other side of the store in his mom's arms about two crazy women that tried to sell him to a mute white lady. 

Apparently this is my life and I still don't know what to make of it.