The Method To My Madness

Forever Alone

     I am single. I have been single for 2, ok really might as well say 3 years. Now before  you roll your eyes or comment about being thirsty; hear me out. In about 8 months I will turn 20 and the impending doom that is officially being on this planet for two decades has caused me to realize some things.

      I have been through WAY too much shit and that's ok. My personality is definitely type A and the plans I developed for myself at the tender age of 9 are useless to me now. Which is honestly a little nerve wrecking but it's ok because I have a new plan that will work out if I can just get over my fuck ups and that's fine too because I'm human. Shit happens (insert the ok emoji here because I'm a "Boss Ass Bitch"). Also, I am definitely, 100%, potentially forever alone and there is sound science as to why that is accurate.

     According to the totally trustable Urban Dictionary on ye ole' interweb, the definition of Forever Alone is; and I quote, "an individual who will never have a boyfriend/girlfriend and will NEVER get married, most likely [spends] most of [their] time on the Internet or making faces or noises to themselves. This person will  [probably] have one real friend and die with 32 cats."

   I agree with that definition except I am not really a cat person, I have maybe 4 or 5 real friends, and I have no problem admitting I have actual conversations with myself whilst laying upside down on my stairs. Is that safe? No, my floors are tile y'all. Do I care? Hell no. Honestly if I cared what people thought of my deep thinking position I wouldn't do it; especially seeing as my stairs are near my front door that's mostly glass.... I'm ranting and off track. Usually when people say they're forever alone I laugh because it's absurd. But, I'll turn around and "jokingly" say that I too will be forever alone. I have no problem making a joke of myself but get mad when people use my own words and say that I am forever alone. Hypocrisy? Perhaps.

   See, here's the thing I am insecure because I am terrified that it's true. My friends are already getting married and popping out kids. I've mentioned this before but I  have friends getting divorces too. Our society doesn't plan for lasting marriages. Pre-nups are more and more popular because it's not seen as "if" but rather "when" the marriage is done. That's my opinion. I'm terrified because what if I DON'T find a guy that wants to work for it? A relationship cannot be one sided and that's essentially why I'm single.

     I am single because I am horrified by the desire to open up to someone. I know I am a beautiful person inside and out because people tell me all the time. Problem is that I don't believe it half the time. I am a good person that deserves to be treated right but at the same time the other person in the relationship deserves to be treated well too. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to give myself, to give my heart, fully to another person. I may be trustworthy but I am far from trusting. I'm not entirely gorgeous, I have parts of my heart that are dark and cynical. I refuse to hurt another person because I have been hurt and I have seen others get hurt. It has undeniably damaged me and I'm trying to get over that. I choose to live a single life.

    It's not like I don't have offers, I just haven't found someone that likes me that I would be willing to risk my heart for. It's selfish and cowardly and irrevocably human. I am strong but weak and so very fragile. I stay single because I am just no good. I want to but I have to grow as a person, I have to learn to not run and push people away. I hope one day I do find someone that I want to grow with. I'm not saying my next relationship will be the ONE. I'm saying that I want a guy that will be just as serious about it as I am. Haven't found that guy yet because I'm not even in my twenties yet and I'm not sure I'll be ready if I do find him.

    I  honestly don't know what I was trying to convey. I'm lost in thought.... At 2 in the morning. Awesome.