The Method To My Madness

Ugh Fail

Dear Reader,

So today I went to the DPS. The wait was 3 hours long y'all. I get up to the desk with my mom and the lady behind the desk asks me for my green card. I'm like my what? I don't know how it is for people I other places but in America if you want to live here legally and you are from another country you file for citizenship, take a test, and then get your green card. I have never stepped foot on foreign soil. I was born and have always resided in America. So my mom says to the lady "green card? Can you not see this child? Look at how white she is! I mean what country do you think she's from?! She is so pale and American and do you not hear her southern drawl?" Face meet palm. I ended up not having all of the requirements to get my ID so unfortunately I have to go back. Joy. We actually had to go downtown to get an original copy of my birth certificate. It was a mad house. Rodeo season and such. <3

Then my Mama and I went to a little Chinese restaurant in our local China Town. I had to go pee. And the poor confused lady that was our waitor looked at me and said "oh I've seen you here before" but I had never been there. EVER. Anywho I had to pee like a fuck'n race horse people. So I gather up the courage to go walk past all these people I do not know to go to the bathroom but it's locked. So I wait. Then the lady that thought she knew me comes out of the restroom and asks me about my kids or something of that nature an I'm like "good, good if you'll excuse me" and rammed into the little convenient store type restroom.

So I pee okay and I pull some toilet paper of the rack and oh my gawd girl..... or boy. It fell off the wall. Like no joke. So I'm like shut the front door this is sooooo not happening. So there I am on the floor in a tiny chinese restaurant restroom trying to jam this thing back on to the wall MacGyver style. Next thing I know someone is knocking on the door I'm like "just a minute". Still trying to fix the toilet paper holder whilst I picture an elderly Asian woman smacking me with a spoon screaming about bringing dishonor to her and her family.

The knocking continues and I'm like "just a little longer" and I'm thinking I'm gonna get me and my mom kicked out of this store and I won't get my kung pao chicken. Then I'm gonna be shunned never to return. Eventually I fixed it and ran out of the bathroom stumbling into the woman who had been knocking on the door just as she walked out of the mens bathroom. All the while thinking do not laugh, do not laugh. Because when something awkward happens or I'm nervous or in trouble or worried I laugh like a fucking hyena, people. So I get back to my table and my mom asks me "honey what happened to your belt?" I'm thinking if you only knew. So yeah. That happened. After we left I told my mom and she was like "oh thank god I thought you were having issues or something because you were gone for like 20 minutes." Thanks mom.

And that my friends is what my average busy day looks like.