Plums| B. Barnes

~Letting Go~

Month 5

Wednesday
July 2, 2014

Bucky had woken up early that morning...It was about 5 am and he had been disturbed by the familiar cries of Ivory.

Earlier in the previous week he had run to the library and rented about 4 parenting Novels to aid him on this bizarre journey. Did that mean he was to be Ivory's parent? No...he still wasn't clear on whether or not he wanted to give her up, but he thought it would help him to try and figure out what he should be doing while caring for the helpless baby in the meantime.

It's almost been two weeks since Ivory was left at Bucky's door and in a week, he had learned a scary amount about infant care...Thank God for the library.

Bucky learned that he was actually supposed to hold Ivory for longer than a half an hour at a time especially the needy babe that had been with him....

He also learned that he actually has to feed Ivory more than 3 times a day...Ivory has to eat every 3 hours or it ends in a banshee screaming session of over 3 hours. That was his lesson of the day on Tuesday that he wouldn't soon forget....

He had also learned to prevent suffocation, babies are supposed to sleep flat on their backs until they exceed 7 months old, or until they know how to roll so for that reason, he had been sleeping on the sofa and letting the baby sleep in his bed on top of his mattress since he read babies aren't supposed to co-sleep or sleep in the car seat for long periods of time...there was just so much to taking care of Ivory.

Bucky snapped back into reality at the sound of Ivory's cries escalating.

"What's the matter Ivory? You ready to eat?" Bucky yawned as he stood up from his spot on the couch and stretched his arms over his head, not neglecting to re-calibrate the synthetic metal arm in the process.

He walked over to the fridge and pulled out an already made bottle before going to retrieve the baby.

"Shhhhh it's okay, Bucky's coming." He says holding the girl in his arms, placing the bottle on her lips. Little Ivory began slurping away like she hadn't eaten in days.

"Okay, slow down so you don't throw up every where like you did the other day..." Bucky said taking the bottle out to reposition it in her mouth. That was his lesson of the day on Wednesday...Ivory will vomit if she drinks too fast.

It was scary to him how well he had remembered everything so fast about a child that wasn't his.

He quickly learned all of her likes and dislikes, he knows that Ivory will only drink cold bottles, he knows Ivory loves being outside, he knows how to snuggle her whenever she becomes restless...he knows it all. He's invested so much time in trying to understand this child when Ultimately he still had a very difficult choice to make...does Ivory stay, or does she go?

In Bucky's mind, this child had her whole life ahead of her, and by keeping this child he would be responsible for keeping her fed, loved, and safe. At this point in time, he wouldn't mind taking on this kind of responsibility.

Although Ivory had been doing more crying than anything, and hadn't really been giving Bucky his desired peace, it still gave Bucky peace being able to care for a child as precious as Ivory. All he wanted was peace, and even if he could never be at peace with himself, it gave him a piece of mind knowing the sweet baby in his arms was safe with him.

However In the back of his mind, all he could do was put together the worst case scenario. All he thought about was what could happen if Hydra came for him? Or...What could happen if the government came for him? Or better yet what would happen to him if he was found in general?

More importantly...what would happen to her?

It was a lot to think about, and Bucky knew in his heart, the right thing to do would be to take the child to an orphanage so that she could be adopted by a stable family. Finding her a stable family would be the best thing for her. But then what would happen if she never got adopted?Bucky also didn't like the thought of Ivory being in the system most of her life, he didn't think it would be any better for her.

While deep in thought, Bucky noticed the Baby stopped drinking and looked down to see that she had fallen back to sleep. That was Ivory's new thing...waking up screaming to eat and then falling asleep on Bucky seconds later.

"Ivory..." Bucky says gently tapping the baby's cheek. "Hello, Ivory...Wakey, Wakey..." The baby jolted awake and continued crying, and nuzzling into Bucky's bare chest.

"I know you're tired, but you need to finish your bottle so you're not starving later." He explains gently rubbing Ivory's back and putting the bottle back in her mouth. She grabbed tightly onto Bucky's hand that was holding her bottle and looked up at him as she drank her bottle.

"You know you're making this hard..." Bucky says looking back at Ivory, referring to his decision in regards to keeping the child.

"Do you really need me?" Bucky sighed. He looked at the time and it was a quarter to 6am...it was still dark out. He looked down at the baby who had finished drinking her bottle and looked at the stroller that sat by the apartment door.

Bucky knew at that moment what he had to do.

~~~~~

"Okay, in you go..." Bucky sighed buckling Ivory into her seat. Ivory spit out her pink pacifier as Bucky strapped her into the stroller seat and she immediately began crying.

"Shhh...alright that's enough Ivory..." Bucky sighed putting her Pacifier back in her mouth. Bucky walked for miles until he hit the closest children's home which appeared to be closed for a few more hours. Ivory hadn't stopped fussing the whole walk there, it's almost like she knew Bucky was trying to let her go.

"Shhh...it's okay, You'll be safe here." Bucky sighed placing Ivory's pacifier back in her mouth.

"You won't need old me where you're going...it's probably better this way." Bucky says tucking Ivory's blanket up to her chin. Ivory sadly looked up at Bucky, while the man was completely avoiding making eye contact with the baby.

"Goodbye Ivory. You be a good girl..." Bucky says pulling a folded sheet out of his jacket pocket. Inside of that note Bucky had written down everything Ivory's new caretakers would want to know about her. He tucked the paper under her blanket and quickly turned around made quick to leave before anyone could notice.

As soon as Ivory realized Bucky had left her, she began to whine, angrily waving her small fists around. Ivory spit her binky out again and she wore a sad pout on her lips and opened up her mouth to cry even louder.

By now Bucky had almost been half way up the street and it seemed like the farther he got, the louder Ivory would cry.

Before Bucky could cross over to the next street, he stopped for a moment and looked back at the sweet infant that he left behind. He'd be lying to himself if he said hearing that child cry didn't hurt him. Saying goodbye wasn't supposed to be painful...right?

"It's better this way Ivory...I promise."