Smoke Me.

Chapter 30: Bear Trap

AN:Here's my early present. Merry Christmas!

"It's been such a long time since I've heard from you, Jungkook."
"Yeah...Thank you for agreeing to see me on such short notice."
"Don't worry about it, people tend to avoid therapists on the weekends for some reason. Well, besides you. So, what brings you here? I mean, I would be glad if you only wanted to catch up, but if history has taught me anything is that you only come when something bad has happened."

The silence she was met with had her leaning back in the chair, mumbling a quiet: "Well?"

"It has and it hasn't," I said slowly while staring at the floor only to quickly reveal a forced grin.
"I don't know what that means, Jungkook."
She said that, but jotted something down in the black agenda that was resting on her leg anyways.

"I am not sure if it's me or the person I'm dating, but it's like..."
"You're dating? But that's marvelous. Since when? How did you meet? How old is she?"
"She..." That word made the tongue feel too big in my mouth, which is why another smile stretched all facial muscles only to disappear before I went on, "...she's, well...a...that's not important."
The practiced neutral, yet curious expression of the therapist seemed to sway towards confusion mixed with annoyance for a moment before it regained its emotionless, yet considerate resting face.

"Then, what's important for you, right now?"

"You are probably aware from other students that you know, THE exam is this week which is really like too many exams in one, but..." I exhaled, and shut my eyes for a second to push the panic back into the pit of my stomach, "I find myself wanting to do anything but study. I don't really see the point of it since I've got no dream, nothing that I truly want to achieve."
"But you might..."
"Yeah, yeah, I already know the line: I might find something that I want to do in ten years and I'll hate myself. But that's like saying you won't eat anything that's bad for you since it might contribute to a sickness that you'll have when you're fifty. Not many people can make daily decisions based on one fear that might or might not materialize."
She wrote something down, nodding, and then to my surprise, put the pen down.

"I know this might be controversial since adults would advise you to ignore everything and just study, but if we ignore what's already eating at us, then it isn't going to solve it, will it?"
I knew I wasn't blinking and my mouth was hanging open, but I couldn't stop the baffled expression that I was showing her. I was that shocked. Since that was one of the reasons why I actually came. Ready to get a healthy dose of reality from an adult, rather than from the boyfriend that I wished to get weed from every time I saw his face.

'He's like a trigger at this point...'

"...I agree."
"Then, what is it that you couldn't solve on your own?"

She tried to sound worried and not condescending, but I hated it either way.
"This might sound weird, but...what is love, exactly?"
She chuckled softly at my joined, shaky fingers, only to clear her throat when she realized that it was only her voice that echoed in the room with too many paintings.
"Love. Well, love should and is about truly understanding the totality of one person. About both people having the best interest of one another at heart and being authentic regardless if that might expose some insecurities. It is being vulnerable, being seen, heard, felt, and understood."
"But what if you do see, hear, feel, and understand a person somewhat and yet, all you see is bad, and yet, you understand it since you might possibly be bad...yourself? What then?"
"Jungkook." She stated joining her fingers in her lap solemnly, "A healthy person can't possobly be bad. I don't know how to explain this without talking for hours, but basically, what love today is for people is just a ...indirect resolve of one or more particular traumas. What I mean by that is that someone might not have received the affection that they needed from one of their parents or both. They didn't recieve their approval, perhaps even anything resembling healthy affection. And that's why they assign this quest to themselves subconsciously when they grow up. It's the: if I can earn this person's approval or affection, then it will heal the wound that my parents inflicted, quest. Is what I'm saying making any sense for you?" I nodded; she went on: "Some succeed, but most people don't, because people, well, everybody usually picks a person that is strikingly similar to the parent. Similar in what they were lacking in mostly. So, if the parent was shut down emotionally, then we're going to pick..."
She outstretched her hand towards me, telling me to complete her sentence and I did, with a bitter taste in my mouth.