Smoke Me.

Chapter 39: Vines

AN: Ahem. Hi. I am not very proud of this chapter or the way I've worded most of it. It stemmed from my lack of patience for it, especially in this chapter and I think it's because I might've added too much to my plate? I had something else in mind, but that would require so many more hours of editing. So, I am taking back to one chapter every four days thingy. But hold on! Don't kill me. I got a deal...how about every 5 days instead of 4? Ha? Not 8. But 5. It's better than 8! Ahem. I know it might not seem like a big deal, but this is a passion project, while I am writing something else entirely, which takes a lot of my time. Also studying stuff. Not for school. Anyways. All I do is write, read, watch Gilmore Girls for 20 min when I'm eating (though I've already seen it one million times and then once more) and then I write, edit, manga reading for another break and then I write again. (Kingdom fans anywhere? Berserk? What's up?) But this is the life of a maybe, in the future, published writer- she said with hope in every cell of her body. But still...I think I need to...move? A bit? Haha. Oh, man. Anyways, glad you guys enjoyed it while it lasted. Through 5 days, way better than 8. Am I right? High five! No? (I will let myself out)

Also! Not for everyone, but any of you know how to write a good synopsis, hit me up with your best writing in a comment. If you get picked, I will answer 3 questions truthfully, as in, I won't avoid it or make something up. Like a bad genie. It will be honest, strictly yes or no answers to your best guesses of the future plot points or whatever else. But if it's about a character's personality, an explanation from my point of view, or something of the sort? Or, you just get my email if you want it haha. I don't know what to offer here. Because what I am saying is...I abhor my synopsis, and I don't know how not spoil anything and at the same time not sound like: "Hi, this is Shana, and I like apples. One day, I lost them, but I will find them. I promise." Cause that's how my synopsis sounds to me. Man, I will step up my game for the next one.

And I will let you read now. Bye.

I knew that my parents loved me. They've never beaten me up or terrorized me, but when I had to stand on my tiptoes to reach the doorknob, their door was always locked when I had a nightmare. They were kind, but they used to disapprove when I would spend too much time outside, spend too much time looking at screens or do anything that a 'good child' shouldn't do. Coffee was black listed. Alcohol was not even a subject.

But I've always been curious to try anything that would alter my mundane state of mind. An escape. A crack in the wall. A change of emotion. I used to sleep as an escape to the point that we started fighting about it. Mainly because sleep was allowed, but too much or too little was not allowed. Exactly what I wanted when I was six.

When I had the worst panic attack of my life was while they were scolding me, which ended with me going to the hospital. They didn't fault me for what I couldn't do or didn't do anymore. After I nearly overdosed on pills years later, their expectations diminished to: keep breathing.

The therapist couldn't find much fault in that either. But in what wasn't seen. The beatings that have never happened. The insults that haven't made it to my young ears. The lack of aggression and the lack of love were just as traumatizing apparently. The encouraging words I've never heard, the warm embraces I've never received, and the relationship we've never had.

They called it emotional neglect.

I called it: my fault.

And then they couldn't bear watching me wither. They've never admitted it out loud, but that's how it felt like.

All of a sudden, my brother became my whole family. And Jung was far more understanding than they ever were. I felt like I could tell him about anything besides my addiction to escaping.

But no matter who supposedly lived with me, I was still alone most of the time. I soon learned that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Yet, if too much time has passed, absence makes the heart ...that much absent.