Nothing like him

Part 2

Dean stayed later than expected. We sat and talked and laughed on the couch for a while. Then we moved to the back patio so he could smoke his cigarette. I watched as he blew the smoke out in between words.
I looked out into the night sky, I never really realized how beautiful the view I had was until now.
"What's that face?" Dean caught me out of my thoughts. I didn't have to look at him to know he was smiling.
"What face?" I said as I switched my expression to a blank stare.
"Don't do that" he scoffed as he put his cigarette out. "You had an inspired look in your eyes. What inspired you?". I hated that he knew me too well.
"The city, the lights, the view. It's beautiful. New York really is a writer's paradise" I said with a stupid large grin across my face. I saw him smiling at me from the corner of my eye. "You think I'm weird don't you?" I giggled.
"No, I'm kind of impressed" he squinted his eyes at me and tilted his head a bit.
"Impressed about?"
"You....actually talking like you're a writer. You used to avoid admitting you have talent" he smiles proudly, sending butterflies to my stomach.
The truth is I enjoyed writing, I never told anyone about it because I was embarrassed. My work isn't half as good as the stuff I've read. Justin A. Reynolds will always be my favourite. But in the poetry genre I look for Anonymous or Rupi Kaur.
"What can I say? I've grown from those times" I smile at him.
"Can I ask you something?" He leaned a bit closer, resting his elbows on his knees. His expression was serious like he meant business.
"Ask away", I took a sip of my wine while waiting for him to speak. He hesitated a bit, like his thoughts were holding him back. "You there?" I laughed a bit, but was actually concerned. He made eye contact again and he looked kind of sad. Dean Jackson barely ever showed emotion and when he did it was concerning.
"Did you break up with me because of the way I ended up?" He finally asked. He caught me a bit off guard. I never really knew the exact reason why I broke up with him. I said It was because I fell out of love, because the passion in our relationship kind of disappeared. I must have looked shocked because he looked like he regretted asking.
"I-" I tried to speak but I didn't know what to say. I sat up and leaned a bit closer to him, placing my wine glass on the table. "Dean" I started. "When I broke up with you, I wasn't thinking about how much you've changed. I just noticed the passion in our relationship was kind of......gone. We spent almost all of our time together arguing about the..." I started to ramble "stupid shit. It was all just too much and I.." I said before I was cut off by Dean's lips pressed against mine. He places his hand softly on my cheek.
In that one moment. That specific moment. It just felt right. Things just felt complete. But I can't. I can't let this happen. It's wrong. But I didn't want it to stop.
"Dean I-." I tried to stop but I couldn't. This was the type of passionate affection I've been craving from Bryan. Bryan. Shit. I quickly pulled away and placed two fingers on my lip. In shock of what I'd just done. I stood up in a little bit of a panic and started pacing a bit.
"Wow. Was I that bad" Dean sat back and chuckled a bit. My eyes shot at him.
"You. You need to go" I said. I grabbed my wine glass and went inside, Dean followed.
"I'm sorry if I pressured you to do it, can we just talk?" He sounded like he felt bad.
"No" I looked at him and stood behind the kitchen counter. "Dean, I have a boyfriend. You need to go now" I sounded kind of stern, but was also scared of how he'd react. He was the type to not care about shit like me having a boyfriend.
"Ok, I'll go. Uh thanks for-." he said, but I cut him off.
"Yeah, no problem. Bye" I said, still in shock. I held both my hands together in a fist and rested my head on them while leaning on the counter, zoned out in my flood of thoughts.
Dean left, I don't know when, he just disappeared.
   I kissed my ex. If Bryan finds out he'll hate me for it. It wasn't supposed to get that far. Dean always did this, never to me but he is known for sucking girls in. I knew this would happen, I shouldn't have helped him.
But also. A part of me liked that it happened. The attention, the emotion, the unnecessary sexual tension. It wasn't all that bad. Maybe, Bryan just wouldn't have to know. I could just use Dean for the attention Bryan wasn't giving me. And nobody would have to know about it. Does this make me a bad person?