Nothing like him

Part 29

   Two weeks later Dean and I were packing our bags and getting ready for our road trip to Boston.  packing our bags and getting ready for our road trip to Boston. I made calls for reservations at our hotel while the dean packed all his medication and cancer care supplies. He got his chemo done for the week and his appointment for Friday with Dr McKinsey had been cancelled because she was sick. Dean and I were almost ready to go. Thursday afternoon at 2:00 we'd be on the road to Boston. Wednesday night Dean stayed over at my house. We ordered pizza for dinner and watched movies in the living room with glasses of wine; not too much though because we wanted to be up early tomorrow. I couldn't get Thursday off work so I still had a shift in the morning from 7 to 12. I was able to get off early thanks to Kaleb (I don't know why he's been nice to me lately but I'm not complaining).  
             "Are you excited to see her?" Dean asked while he pulled me in close to him. I nodded.
"I'm kind of nervous. She is probably around her 80s now. What if she doesn't remember me?"
"She had no kids and you were like a daughter to her, I'm sure she'll remember you." We went to bed early that night. Although it was hard for me to sleep, I still forced myself. I shut my eyes tightly and forced myself to go to sleep and get lost in whatever dream my brain had in store for me tonight.
***
I started walking home from school at about grade 5. I didn't live far from the school so it never took more than 5-10 minutes. Some days I ran home just because I had something interesting to tell Lola. Lola had been my care-taker since I was little, she was around a couple years before I was born but that was when she was just a maid. My parents paid her to keep the house clean and be my nani at the same time. She was nice, I liked having her around.
I walked home today; following the same trails, roads and walkways until I reached the front steps. Climbing the steps two at a time just as I always did. I walked in through the front door and a rush of chocolaty goodness reached my nose. I took a deep breath before dropping my bag on the stairs and running to the kitchen. I checked the counters-nothing. I looked in the oven-nothing.
"Lola?" I called out.
"I'm out here" her soft smooth young voice called from the backyard. I approached the door before seeing her sitting on the grass with her painting supplies. She had water colours, acrylic pain, pens and pencils, a water cup, and all of her paint brushed. She held the canvas in her lap over one leg, as she moved the paint brush in a ong precise stroke before moving her hand. I looked at the painting to see it was a tree in our backyard; the one with the swing on it. She was great at painting. Every detail was added and it looked beautiful.
"Wow" I said in a whisper. "Where did you learn to paint like that?"
"My mother taught me when I was young. She gave me all her skills so I could carry on her talent before she passed away" she smiled before looking up at me, squinting her eyes at the sun. "How was your day?"
"Terrible until I walked in the house and smelled chocolaty goodness but bad again once I couldn't find it" I gave her a mock angry face then laughed.
"I baked chocolate cookies for your fathers potluck for work. Him and your mom won't be home until late tonight so it's just me and you for dinner" she went back to her painting.
My parents always left randomly. Once they went out of town without telling us until they were in Seattle. I stood there thinking about if they were actually at my fathers work potluck or if they were in Hawaii.
"Did you at least leave any cookies?" I said with a smug questioning tone. I tilted my head at her and crossed my arms while waiting for an answer. I saw a smile grow on her face.
"There are 8 cookies on a blue plate in the microwave, go help yourself" she giggles. I ran off to the kitchen to eat the beautiful chocolaty goodness cookies.
***
We got in the car and started driving. Dean drove because it meant he could control the music. He had a very interesting taste in tunes. He listened to lots of old bands and classical music and just a little bit of music from this year-like two songs. He's been like that forever. I always joked that he was an old man trapped in a 24 year olds head,but watching him now bobbing his head to AC/DC's oldest songs I am beginning to think that it wasn't a joke anymore.
"Do you remember the first time we ever met?" He asked.
"When we were like 4? Nope. But I remember 9th grade" I smiled at him. He smiles.
"When you walked into my English class and tried to avoid me for a whole week before our teacher made us partners for an assignment" he laughed.
"Yup. Clearly she didn't catch the memo" I laughed.
"Then a week later I caught you in my room" he said in a playful accusing tone.
"Elaina and I were hanging out and I got lost on my way to the bathroom" I defended myself. "You're guitar caught my eye and I couldn't resist"
"Yeah yeah, it's always 'I got lost on my way to the bathroom'" he said in a mimicking voice. I laughed then looked over at him. I loved to see him smile. I placed my head gently on his head and ran my fingers through his hair as he talked about the past. My fingers brushed through Dean's dark brown beautiful hair softly, no knots. I liked the feeling. I kept my fingers in a rhythmic motion before the hair didn't move and it stuck to my fingers. I glanced at my hand, seeing a chunk of Dean hair in my fist. I gasped a bit and sat up straight.
"I know." He said shamefully. He stopped talking and kept his eyes on the road. I placed my hands in my lap, holding Dean's hair. Running my thumb along the soft ends. Anger flooded through my body.
"Dean, why don't you tell me about your cancer after I keep telling you to keep me in the loop?" I said in a semi-calm voice.
"I'm sorry, I just don't want the cancer pity." His eyes didn't leave the road.
"You don't want the cancer pitty? Fine Dean. I'll stop with the cancer pitty." My voice started to raise. "You didn't tell me you were diagnosed, you didn't tell me about your symptoms. You never tell me about your appointments. And now your hair is starting to fall out and you weren't going to tell me?" I was yelling now. "Dean, we've talked about this so many times. I love you and I need to know about this shit. You can't just choose what to tell me and when you want to talk about it and- and.." I started to stutter. My eyes felt warm and watery. My voice was cracking.
"I am your girlfriend Dean. Not just an acquaintance you will see once a week at work. Not some random person walking on the same street as you. Not your cleaner, or your cook, or your fucking car for god sake." A tear fell and I was now crying. "I need you to keep me in the loop because I am your girlfriend and I deserve to know." I was now crying in my seat. Dean was quiet and didn't look at me. His eyes are still on the road not even glancing at me.
I sigh in frustration and cross my arms, turning my body toward the window so I can look out of it during the drive. Dean pulled over on the side of the road. Once the car came to a stop I felt his hand gently slide into my thigh.
"Mariana," he started. It made me a bit more mad that he was still not calling me Mia. "I love you too. And I understand where you are coming from. You have every right to be mad. I guess I am just scared, you know? Like from the moment I was diagnosed everything just started happening and escalating so fast. It's the one thing in my life that I have no control of and it scares me. I don't talk about it because it scares me and overpowers me. I'm sorry. I'll do better with keeping you informed because that's what you deserve. I'm sorry Mariana'' he finished with soft kisses on my cheek. He kissed my eyelids and the tears that fell out of them. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into him. I cried a bit more.
I understood what Dean ment. His whole life up until now he had control over what happens to him, who he hangs around with, how he's feeling. He controlled himself inside and out. But now the cancer is taking over and pushing him away. He is fighting for the power of his body back and he feels as if he is losing. Losing is not for Dean, it's not his thing. It all made sense why he wasn't talking about it and tried to avoid it.
I looked up at Dean and gave him a kiss. "Dean. I'm not going anywhere. I was here when it started, I'm here during it and I will be here when it is gone. And you will win. And you will have control again. I'm not leaving, so all you need to do is just tell me everything. That's all I ask. Weekly updates on how you're feeling and what doctors said and scans and tests and all the medical talk even if I don't understand, just tell me." I smiled into his eyes. He smiled back. "Can we at least do that?" I asked.
Dean nodded. "Yes, we can do that" he smiled and gave me a kiss before starting the car again and we were back on the road again. We talked out a plan for every Friday we will have dinner together and he can fill me in on his cancer update. We both agreed to this and we were both happy we came to an agreement. The rest of the drive to boston was smooth and fun.