Nothing like him

Part 36

    Watching the ambulance carry Frank away to the morgue while Dead hands rested on my shoulders. I had finally stopped crying a bit after Tony called 911 for help. I always wondered who reported my parents' death during the accident. They died in a hit and run on some road in the forest, nobody else was at the scene. I had a lot of questions from that day that still remain unanswered.
Dean rubbed my shoulders softly before speaking. His voice cracked a bit, I could tell Frank's death was hard for him too. "I should get going," he said. I felt his hand leave my body and quickly turned around to look at him, and just to look at him was exactly what I needed. I took in his deep brown eyes and his perfectly arched nose. His neat thick eyebrow and his soft smooth lips that-like I said before- were always so plump and perfect. Except his brown hair wasn't to be seen. He wore a beanie so I wondered if it was tucked under there. I reached up and peeked and still no brown floppy perfect hair.
"How are you feeling?" I asked as I gently placed his beanie back onto his smooth head. He sighed at my question. "Dean, I'm sorry I know you don't want to feel babied. I need to know," I said.
"I'm fine. I am going to be late for dinner so I have to go back home" he said. He turned his back to me and started walking away. I need to stop him. I can't lose him completely.
"Dean," I called. What was I doing? What was I going to say? He stopped walking and turned around ever so slightly, just barely looking at me. "I baked lots of brownies, you want to take some with you for you and your family?" I asked. I just wanted to be around him. I didn't want to have to let him go yet, I knew it from the moment I walked out of the hospital that day. I can't just let go of him. Dean started walking back towards me and I guided him inside.
The elevator ride up and the walk down the hallway to my apartment was very silent. We both didn't speak a word. Once we stepped into my apartment Dean took his shoes and jacket off. He even took his beanie off and I was able to see his smooth bald head. I had to look at it a couple times to get used to it.
"So. What are your plans for Christmas eve?" I asked as I started to pack brownies in a container for him.
"Mariana, we don't have to have this awkward talk," he said. "I'm sorry. I know I hurt you. But we can't be together when I am not getting better. I feel terrible every day about how I hurt you but I don't want you to be as hurt when I'm gone" he said. I put the container down and looked at him with a face he knew. The "don't say that" face. "I'm sorry, but we all need to come to terms with it. I'm dying. Death comes randomly like we just saw" he said, referring to Frank. "We just have to accept Mariana. I don't want to leave you but I have to."
My eyes started to water. I shook my head as if I could shake this moment away. As if I could just erase all of his words and act like he never spoke them. I hated it. I hated this conversation, his cancer, his way of thinking. I hated the way his body was being taken over and he was giving up. I hated this. All of this.
Dean's hands grabbed my arms and held me tightly, pulling me into his chest. I cried in his chest. I needed to be strong but I couldn't. I hated that I cried about it all the time. He rubbed my back softly and rested his chin on top of my head.
"Can you do something for me?" he asked. I looked up at him with teary eyes. He looked down into my eyes, moving the hair out of my face and brushing it behind my ear. "Can you come to terms with me dying so I can live my time with you like nothing ever happened?"
It took a while for his question to fully sink in. I knew that was all he wanted me to do, but I didn't know if I could do it. I wanted to help Dean and be there for him, I really did. But what is affecting him is also affecting me. I had to do what Dean wanted so I looked him in the eyes and nodded my head slowly. He smiled a bit before kissing my forehead.
"I should probably get home before my mom gets worried," he said. I nodded. I finished backing some brownies and gave them to him as I walked him out.
"Text me some time, we could go and grab a coffee or something." I said as I handed him the container of brownie.
"For sure" he smiled at me. He started to walk out.
"Dean, wait" I said. He turned around. I took his beanie off and pulled him closer to me, giving him a kiss on his bald head. "You look good bald," I giggled.
"I know right?" he smiled and rubbed his smook head before leaving. I closed the door to my apartment and sighed. What an eventful evening. I walked back in the kitchen and saw all the food. There is no way I can eat all this. I reached in my pocket and grabbed my phone and made a call I never would have expected me to make.
***
"I couldn't come empty handed," Marcus said, holding up a bottle of red wine. I giggled and let him in. "I'm sorry to hear about your neighbor" he said as he greeted me with a hug.
"He died in happy thoughts, I just know it," I said. It was true. I knew he was happy because he died while reading his wife's journal and anytime he read it he was smiling. Frank and his wife Anna were once again reunited, that's what made losing him a little less painful.
Marcus and I dove into our food almost immediately. We nearly finished everything, the bottle of wine included. I caught him up on my whole life and he did the same. I told him about being in the foster care system, buying my own place at 18, work and even all my writing stuff. I told him about Dean and how he helped me with my story idea-making sure to not mention Dean's cancer. I talked about guys and he talked about girls. We both have had bad experiences in relationships.
"So are you ever going to publish your book?" He said while he helped me clean off the table.
"It's more of an assignment right now. I need to get it in by March" i said.
"You didn't answer my question Mia. Are you going to publish it?" he repeated with a smile.
"I don't know," I said, dragging out my words.  "Maybe"
    "You should. It's a pretty cool idea. And if you don't publish it for the world,  at least publish it for yourself" he said. He started with the dishes.  I pushed him aside using my him.
"I can do these, you have helped enough," I giggled. I did the dishes and he sat on the counter with his wine talking more. I liked hearing about his life. He told me he worked in an office building doing business for some company. Good money. But he wasn't happy there. He said he would rather work in the construction industry. He lived in an apartment on 52th street and had noisy neighbors that barely ever let him sleep. It was nice learning more about him and his life and where he had ended up.
He stayed late that night, chatting on and on about our lives, finally catching up again. We got so lost in conversation we didn't even notice it was almost two in the morning.
"I should get going. I don't have Christmas off" he said, finishing off his wine and putting it in the kitchen, insisting on washing it. I walked him to the door.
"You're not driving are you?" I asked with a bit of a giggle.
"Oh god no" he laughed. "Not after we polished that bottle," he put his shoes and jacket on. Wrapping his scarf around his neck. Winters in New York were probably equal to Canada. "It was nice to finally catch up with you Mia. we really should do this again sometime" he said as he hugged me, leaving a light kiss on my cheek. I couldn't help but blush.
"Yeah, for sure. Text me and we can make plans" I smiled.
Once he left I finished cleaning up the kitchen and made my way to my room to get ready for bed. I looked in my closet for something to wear to bed to find one of Dean's sweaters. I pulled it up to my face and inhaled his scent. It was beautiful, just like him. I put it on with some spandex shorts and crawled under the sheets in my bed. The smell of Dean, the amount of food I ate and the wine I drank had put me to sleep almost instantly after shutting the lights off.