Nothing like him

Part 32

Dean's POV: We've talked about this before, I don't think she understands. A part of me is happy that she doesn't but also I wish she could just let it go. Let the cancer take over me since I have already failed to beat it. I'm falling deeper and deeper into this hole and I can no longer dig myself out. There is nothing the chemo and meds and all the treatment can do to help get me out of this hole. I'm giving up. Accepting the fact that I am losing this battle. I wish she could too.
Mariana is full of hope, she is a dreamer. But she dreams for others more than she dreams for herself. I don't know why she's like that but she is. She cares so much about others that she forgets about her own ambitions and dreams and goals in life. She forgets about how she wants to be a writer because of others. She forgets about how she has her parents money and could travel the world or treat herself to a couple spa days because of others. Her life is full of helping others that she forgets to help herself.
I hide my pain, misery, my defeat and depression because I just want her to think I'm okay. I want her to give herself attention. Taking her to boston to talk to Lola was because i want her to care about herself, show her that our relationship doesn't have to be about cancer this and cancer that. I want Mariana to love herself the way she loves me and the way that I love her. She is too good to everyone around her that she forgets to be good to herself.
"We don't have to go back right now. We could co in the morning" I said gripping my chest and wrapping my arms around myself to cover the aching feeling that ran through my body. The cramps are caused from coughing too often, and my body started to feel numb to it.
"Yes we do. You are very sick and not getting better. You rest I'll drive" she said, focussing on the road. I could tell she was mad at me because she wasn't looking at me. She was trying to sound as if she wasn't mad but I know she was mad. I put my seat back and turned onto my side, my back against her and my face against the car door.
I looked up at the stars in the night sky as we drove, ignoring all the pain in my body and focussing on the beauty of them. Bright little dots in the sky that looked down on us every night. The moonlight was dul so they could shine.
I remember when I was growing up my mom told me "the stars in the sky are all the angels in heaven. Our past loved ones go to heaven so they could look down on us and watch us and guide us through life. The stars never go away just like our loved ones. They are always here D, guiding us." I smiled at the thought of my mothers words. It was a great concept. I loved it.
After she told me that, I stayed up all night looking for stars that reminded me of my loved ones who I could no longer be with-even though they all looked the same. Uncle Jeramy, gramps, Gran, and when I first found out about Mariana's parents, I made stars for them too. It became a habit of mine. Picking stars for past-on loved ones.
Maybe I should pick my star, I never thought about it before. The sky was so beautiful that night on the drive back to New York, I layed there and picked my star. The brightest one of the bunch, because that was me-not to flatter myself.
Even though Mariana was mad at me, and wanted nothing to do with me at this moment. I spoke up about my star. Telling her which one it was. Telling her why I wanted to be that star, and the whole star story. I wanted her to know. So I told her. As I spoke my words started to fade and my eyes started to close and I drifted off to sleep, and dreamed of my star.

Mariana's POV:
"I'm gonna be a star" Dean started as he layed in the car looking out of the window. He glanced at me to see if I was going to say something, but I didn't. So he went on. "When I die one day. I want people to remember me somehow, i mean ya they have memories in their brain and pictures but i want people to still feel like i'm around. All my excitement, and boldness and intelligence is still here with them '' I laughed a bit when he said intelligence because he was definitely not the wisest. He smiled at my reaction before looking back out the window to continue. "I picked my star too. You wanna know which one I picked?" he said while yawning.
"What star did you pick Dean?" I laughed a bit.
"When I die. One day. I want people to remember me as the brightest star in the sky. The one that outshines the rest of them. Stands out the most. I chose that star" he said.
"It's perfect for you," I said. I didn't like this conversation. I didn't like Dean talking about death. I didn't want to think of it. But he said what was on his mind whether I liked it or not. And I didn't like that either.