Worth Dying For // Kian Lawley

Chapter 21: Hearts & Flowers

TRIGGER WARNING:

This chapter may be triggering for some people. If suicidal thoughts may trigger you, PLEASE DO NOT READ. Just send me a message and I'll happily explain what happens!

~*~

My eyelids felt immensely heavy as I opened them. I looked around the room to see that I was still wearing my dress and shoes from last night. I pushed my dark hair out of my face and sat up.

Lifting up my phone to check the time, I was alarmed to see the amount of missed calls and texts from Kian. I had over 20 text messages and 30 missed calls-all from him. Wow, he seemed really desperate to talk to me. If only he felt that way when his tongue was down that other chick's throat. I shook my head. I was so stupid for giving Kian everything I had. I should have known that he was only using me. I just couldn't believe that I wasted so much time when I could've just carried out my plan. I should've been dead right now. I should've died forever ago, but no I had to give Kian not only my trust, but my love. Times like these when I wished I had a mother that actually cared...a mother that I could talk to.

Then it struck me! Charlotte had a ton of sleeping pills back at home... well her home, that is. She always had horrible insomnia and the only way that she could ever sleep was to take those sleeping pills of hers.

Then I had an epiphany. I was going to go back to my old house and get those pills. That would be an easy way out. Finding a way into the house wouldn't be all that difficult, honestly, considering I lived there my entire life. I always left my bedroom window unlocked, secretly hoping that a murderer would possibly come in and kill me. That way I wouldn't have to do it myself. That dream never actually came true, obviously.

I got out of bed and walked over to my desk. I bit my lip, holding back tears as I pulled my notepad and pen closer to me. I at least owed Kian a letter, right? I sat there for what seemed like hours, not even knowing how to start.

"My dearest Kian,
You were my rock, my everything. The night we first met, I was horrible to you, not realizing how important you would actually become to me. For weeks after, I was pretty mean, only because I'm horrible at showing how I truly feel.
But I want you to know how I truly feel now. I have never loved anyone in my entire life except for you. You were my first and only true love and I gave you all of my trust. You made me feel happy, even though there was nothing to smile about. You made me laugh, even though there were a million things to cry about. You made me feel beautiful even though I have a million flaws. I spent all of my time thinking how lucky I was to have someone like you.
But as time went on, you became more distant. I realized that something was wrong. When I saw you with that other girl... I was so incredibly hurt that I had no idea what to do. Don't worry, Kian. I still love you. And now that I'm gone you can be with her guilt free!
Don't be sad, baby. Things will be better this way. Just remember that this was what I always wanted. This is what I've been working for all of this time.
All I want right now is for you to kiss me one more time, but we both know that isn't an option.
I guess I just want to tell you goodbye. And don't worry, I'm not leaving just because of you. It's not your fault. This was bound to happen eventually.
Take care of yourself, okay my love? And please don't worry, sweetheart. I know you can have a happy life without me in it.
Sincerely yours,
Your Disgrace,
Gracie."

By the time I finished writing the letter, there were teardrops all over it. I stood up and dried my tears.

"It's okay, Grace. You have to do this. Everything will be fine," I reassured myself.

I slipped Kian's letter in an envelope and scribbled his name across it in large letters and then I was off to my old house.

~*~

I stood nervously outside of my parent's enormous house. Both of the cars were gone, meaning that there was no one home, making it easier for me. I walked to the front door and tried to open it. Surprisingly, it opened right up.

"Same old parents," I muttered.

They were such idiots. They never locked the front door because it was such a great neighborhood. Anyone could just waltz in at any moment, but they still decided it was a good idea to keep the door unlocked. I took a deep breath before walking in.

I ran as fast as I could up the stairs and into Charlotte's room. Taking a look around, I noticed that she had about six bottles of sleeping pills sprawled across her dresser. I grabbed one of the bottles and quickly bolted down the stairs, praying that I wouldn't get caught. And luckily I didn't.

~*~

Once I was back to my place I took one last look in the mirror. I looked horrible. My makeup from last night was still smeared all over my face and my hair was tangled in a giant knot. To top it off my eyes were red and puffy from crying and there were prominent dark bags under my eyes. I quickly wiped away the tears that were falling again and left the bathroom.

I instantly felt guilty realizing that I didn't write Jc a letter. Even though I didn't start talking to him until a few days before, I still felt obligated to write one for him.

"Jc,
I know we aren't close, but thanks for everything. You're actually a really cool and sweet guy. Thanks for helping me out last night. I just feel like I owe you a formal goodbye, you know?
Don't worry about me. I've been planning to do this for a while now."

I then put Jc's letter in an envelope as well. I sighed and placed their letters outside my door onto the doormat.

Once I was safely inside my room, I grabbed a handful of the pills and hesitantly put them in my mouth and gulped them down with water. I quickly stood up afterward and nervously picked up my phone to call Kian. He answered instantly.

"Gracie, I am so happy you're calling!"

Hearing Kian's voice brought tears to my eyes. I found myself not being able to speak because I was so distraught. Looking down at my hand, it was shaking rapidly out of sheer panic.

"Gracie? You there?"

"I-I...K-Kian I'm scared," I confessed. "And I j-j-just wanted to hear your voice one more time."

"Gracie what's wrong?!" he asked, sounding worried.

"Nothing anymore," I told him, feeling light-headed. "I-everything will be better soon."

With that being said, I blacked out before I could even hear Kian's response.

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