Trust Me

Chapter 45

Olivia

The only sounds heard were that of the ticking clock on the white plaster wall, the tapping of boots, and the sniffles coming from Cassie as she attempted to compose herself on my shoulder. I couldn't bring myself to cry anymore. The rims of my eyes were raw to the touch, and tear ducts felt completely dry. I'd never cried so much in my entire life as I did the past two hours. 

It felt like Deja Vu. This whole scenario played out almost the same as it had in my dream, with a few minor detail changes. I got a call in the middle of the night but not from Russ, from the Captain. The second I heard the tone of his voice, I knew something terrible had happened. My heart felt as if it stopped in my chest just like it had in my dream, but it was far more intense. It was physically painful to listen to him speak those words into my ear. 

Olivia, Jason's hurt. It's bad. 

I had a hard time listening to anything else that came out of his mouth because I was too busy willing myself to wake up from this nightmare too. Only this time, it was reality. Jason's voice wasn't heard yelling in the background to wake me up, his strong arms weren't there to hold me and tell me he was okay, and his soothing heartbeat wasn't there for me to listen to and calm the rhythm of my own. He wasn't there to wipe my tears away and say something corny that he knew would make me laugh and feel better. This was real, and unfortunately, I couldn't force myself to wake up from reality no matter how hard I kept trying.

My body felt like it was rejecting everything about what was going on. I reached a point of feeling numb after the shock and unbearable sadness subsided. I felt nothing, and it was an experience I'd never had before. Emptiness was something I was confused with feeling nothing in the past, but tonight, I learned they were very different. 

To feel empty was to still feel something, and I felt absolutely nothing; not pain, not sadness, not anger, strictly nothing. I knew that eventually, it would go away, and all the feelings my body was avoiding to protect me would come hurling at me like a boulder from the top of the highest mountain top. It would hit me with enough force to take me out along with Jason. His death would take with him half of me and whatever's left would be merely the shell of the person I used to be.

So I prayed. Something I didn't find myself often doing, but I needed divine intervention. Miracles needed to happen in that operating room to keep that man on this earth with me. They say God only gives you what you can handle, right? Well, he should know I can't handle losing Jason Boyd.

The sound of light footsteps entering the waiting room caught my attention from across the room. My eyes landed on Jason's parents, hand in hand. His mother looked as if she were going to break down any minute now as she fell into her husband's side. I rose to my feet, feeling unsteady as I put one foot in front of the other until I landed right before them. His mom looked at me with eyes just like his own. Immediately she engulfed me in a hug, crying onto my shoulder as I held her, feeling the numbness wear off. 

The pain that began to fill me sent my heart racing and my knees buckling. My chest tightened as I fought back a sob that would only burst from within me anyway. It was indescribable to explain the feelings I felt at that moment, but I wanted to beg God to send the numbness back because it was easier that way. This feeling was torture.

"I-is he alive?" I croaked out, pulling back from the hug to look his mom in the eyes, "Please tell me he's alive."

Tears seemed to flow endlessly from his mother's eyes as she shook her head, sending my heart plummeting to the deepest pit of my stomach.

She parted her lips to speak, but a sob came out instead of words, and that was it for me. I lost every bit of composure I had mustered up and nearly fell to the ground. The only thing stopping me was the captain running up to catch me. The entire room started spinning as I gripped onto his sleeve, fighting to breathe between the cries that erupted from me. I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted to disappear from my own body and leave everything behind with it: every feeling and every memory.