What I Never Knew I Needed

Ch. 4 - Two Ghosts

Two Ghosts - Harry Styles

"We're not who we used to be. We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me."

----

We walked back into the apartment after a long, silent car ride back. My mind was filled with all of the worse case scenarios it could come up with. Perks of having high functioning anxiety. Yay me.

I just couldn't believe the turn this night took. This morning we were staring into each other's eyes reminiscing on the past three years and how we got to where we are now. I just hope that "where we are now" isn't the end. Yes, we've been married for three years but we were together for two before that. I've spent five years of my life with this boy. Yes, I've had slight doubts but I was still planning to spend all the years of my life with him and now it seems as though that could be broken in one night, with one answer to one question. All the time I had to think in the car made me realize that not having kids is a deal breaker for me. I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember and if he changed his mind about them, I might have to change my own mind about him in return. That is one dream I absolutely cannot give up on.

We walked up to the front doors of the apartment building and up the stairs together in an uncomfortable silence. I got to the door first and reached into my purse to grab my keys to unlock the door. However, like usual, I had no idea where they were.

"Kev, do you have the damn keys?"

"Yeah, you left them on the table in the restaurant. I got them."

Kevin fumbled with the keys a little as he tried to unlock the door. I could tell his hands were a little shaky and from knowing him for five years, I knew they only got like that when he was really nervous about something.

Great.

We walked in and I lightly placed my purse on the kitchen counter. I kept my eyes down, studying the various swirls on the granite countertop. I was afraid to look up and see what kind of state Kevin was in. I would be able to tell how this night was going to end just by looking at him.

"Y/N, I think we need to talk..."

I finally tore my eyes away from my studying task and met his eyes with my own. Let's just say, I didn't like the look he was giving me.

I let out a deep breath and said "Yeah, I think we do. And I think you need to start us off."

He nodded. "Okay, you're right. Before I start, I just want to make clear that what I'm about to say has nothing to do with you. It's just something I've been thinking about for a while and I was so fucking scared to tell you or talk to you about it because I knew it was not going to go over well an-."

"I'm going to stop you right there Kevin because the shit that is coming out of your mouth right now sounds like I need a drink."

I walked over to my bourbon cabinet (yes, I have a whole cabinet with a glass display door dedicated to my bourbon collection) and grabbed my bottle of Woodford Reserve Double Oaked and poured a glass. I made my way back to the counter, let out a shaky breath, and sat myself on the bar stool. I took a small swig of my bourbon and savored the burn of the alcohol as it went down my throat. Kev watched me intently the whole time.

"Okay, continue"

"Okay" he started. "As I was saying, I've been terrified to bring this up, but I've been feeling this way for a while."

He paused and took a deep breath before exhaling slowly.

"I don't think I want kids anymore, Y/N."

And there it was. One of the only things that I knew would threaten our marriage. I felt my heart sink to my stomach and my throat felt tight as tears threatened to spill from my eyes.

"How long have you been feeling this way?"

"Honestly, Y/N, like a year and a half."

I looked at him in shock. "You've been sitting on this information for a year and a half, Kev?! Do you know how unfair that is when I've been counting down the days to our third anniversary thinking that today would be the day that we started trying? All that excitement for fucking nothing." My voice trailed off at the end as I made that realization. All that hope and anticipation. For nothing. "What changed?" I asked in almost a whisper.

"I don't know, Y/N. We have so much freedom to do whatever we want right now. I don't know if I want to give that up."

"Kevin, we have had that same freedom for five years now, just the two of us. I want more. I've always wanted more and I've never hidden that from you. You've known since our wedding day that I want to be a mom and you told me you wanted the same. I can't help but feel a little betrayed right now, Kev. I feel like you have been knowingly driving this marriage towards a cliff and didn't say anything and pretended everything was okay!"

"Wait, wait, wait. Hold up. You think our marriage is now being thrown off a cliff?" He replied shocked with a little more force behind his voice.

How the fuck could he be shocked?!

"Yeah, kinda! I told you back when we were dating that the only two things that could ruin us would be if one, you cheated on me, or two, you decided you didn't want kids anymore. Kevin we talked about that and you fucking agreed with me! You told me you wanted the same thing too! Or did you conveniently forget that conversation?" I replied with the same tone. Tears were now dripping down my face at this point.

"Okay so what you're trying to tell me is that I'm not enough for you!"

The audacity of this son of a bitch.

I scoffed back and said "Excuse me? I know you are not trying to turn this around on me! Kevin, I love you and I have for a while now, but you knew going into this that this is what I wanted and it wasn't going to change."

"Yeah well I don't think my decision is going to change either." He said much quieter as he looked down.

"Well, thats just fucking perfect Kev. Since we're airing things out, is there any other life shattering news you would like to tell me? Because I would love to hear it." I said mostly sarcastically because I didn't know how much more I could take. That's why I was so surprised when I heard the bitch's voice speak up again.

"Well -"

"You've got to be fucking kidding me what is it?"

He looked at me for a beat trying to gauge the situation and determine if he should actually tell me what he was thinking. He probably shouldn't, but I opened the damn door so why the hell not.

"Actually, I don't think we should go there. Were both already upset enough and I hate making you cry, Y/N"

"Yeah, well, its too fucking late to be worried about my emotions, Kevin, just say it," I spit back.

"I've been feeling insecure ever since our conversation a couple years ago."

Years?! What the hell is he talking about? Am I supposed to keep a running record of every conversation we've ever had? How am I to know what conversation he's referring to?

"You're gonna have to be a little more specific than that. We've had a shit ton of conversations over the past few years."

He whispered what he wanted to say so lowly that it was almost inaudible, but I heard it. I thought he understood. I thought it was in the past since we never really talked about it again. I know exactly what he said, but I want to actually hear it.

"Say it with your fucking chest, Kevin."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Ugh, men.