HIM

CHAPTER 44

The last time I had mourned was when Jamie died. We had just sat huddled together in bed with Mum.
There had been no dead body to view, just ashes we'd buried in the backyard. He'd literally been burnt to his bone, and those are what were crushed and given to us.
We had cried till there was no more tears left to cry. Mum had lost her voice, I had a scratchy one for a week.

Sitting here and trying to be a solace to the Ted's was all new to me. I hadn't known them long enough, but I was just as sad.
Why would a small innocent kid just die like that without ever having a chance to live?
I tried so hard to stop myself from crying. It took a lot of strength to be strong.
Mr. Ted walked in. It was the first time I ever saw him. He was a tall man, lean, and had a polite face.
He walked to us, nodded his head politely then went to his wife and held her in his embrace.
She cried over again. I didn't understand her pain, I couldn't imagine to what extent she felt it either.

Mum had once told me that when you lose a child, you lose a part of you too.
I believe it is because of the inexplicable bond that only a parent, especially a mother, can have with their child.

Crying is the only way to let out the pain, so that only a scar is left. It never means that it can't hurt again, it will hurt. When we remember the moments shared during their lifetime, the value they held, the importance they had, just who they were to us, it'll hurt again.
And we will still cry again, but deep down hope that one day we'll just remember them and feel sad, but we won't be having any tears. That their memory will bring us solace, and remind us of beautiful moments that once were. We will be grateful that they were once there, they had been a part of us.

But for now, the wound was so fresh raw.

Mr. Ted walked over to his daughter's bed. He stared at her for a long time, maybe not believing she'd died.
I saw a glint of tears in his eyes, as he held her tiny fingers. Just maybe one last time he should have gotten a chance to hold them while still warm, when there was still life in them.
He kissed her on the forehead one last time.
Then he called everyone to surround the bed. We all stood side by side, holding hands.
There was not a sound.
We just stood there, looking at her lie there peacefully.
"She's gone to a better place," Mr. Ted sounded in more of a whisper.
Then Grandma urged us to close our eyes for a moment, she muttered a prayer.
Mr. Ted lifted the white sheet and slowly covered the only part that had remained uncovered.
That didn't sit well with me, because that was the exact time I burst into tears. Mum held me tightly to her, but didn't say anything. It felt as if the whole Jamie thing was repeating itself.

***
Dad and Joseph were in the house when we all came in from the hospital. Little Melanie had been taken to the mortuary before we left.

Joseph almost flew when he saw his family walk in.
As happy as always, he held on to his Mama giggling.
I didn't know just how much strength Mrs. Ted needed to be able to keep a calm but puffy face to his son.
Mom had been right, Joseph had been better off in the house.
"Thank you so much for taking care of him," Mr. Ted told Dad as they shaked hands.
"Sorry for your loss," Dad consoled.
"Joy," Joseph spoke after he had been shown affection by everyone who'd walked in, including mother.
Everyone stared at him in disbelief. He was asking about his little sister.
No one said anything, and I think that prompted him to ask again, looking at his mother.
"Come here little man," Dad called out to him.
He ran to him giggling again. Then Dad took him outside.
All we saw was Dad pointing at the skies, while Joseph nodded as if he understood.
I guess Dad told him something like Joy was in heaven, watching over us.
Then they chased each other in the lawn. Quite the perfect match they were, like son and father.

The Ted's left later, with a lot of gratitude. The kid would be buried tomorrow.
As soon as they had gone, Grandma went to bed saying she was worn out.
"I think am going to go to my room too," Mum spoke.
Then she left. It was just my Dad and me.
"You know when he died, we didn't have anyone to support us in our grief," I stated.
"It was only me and Mum, not eating, not doing anything. We just spent days crying in each other's arms till we eventually stopped."
He didn't say anything to me, he just watched me intently.
"No one came, except Grandma. No one was there for us..."
I felt tears starting to trickle down my cheeks.
"That was the time we needed you the most Dad. We were helpless, but you were not there for us."
Then he moved closer to where I sat and lifted my chin so I could face him.

"I should have been there, I know I should have. And I know it's my fault everything happened the way it did, but now I can't change it. I am really sorry I messed up that bad. I am sorry for the way I treated your Mum, I am sorry I left you, I am sorry I wasn't there for you. Please forgive me my girl,please forgive me. "

Then he opened his arms, and I wholly went in and cried.

I had several missed calls from Flen, and a few others from May and Gabby. They seemed to be the only people who ever looked for me.
I needed to see Flen and know how he was fairing on, but every call went straight to voicemail.
I hoped all was well.
I was to see May and tell her about Bill, and remembering I hadn't done it just drained me.
And to be honest, I didn't want to call Gabriel at the moment. I was too sad and I don't think I wanted to be cheered up so soon.

So I left the house in the evening for a stroll.
The streets were so quiet, and the lanes so empty. It felt like they had all joined in mourning little Melanie.
It was so calm, trees were not in their usual swings,the sun had been covered in a thick mass of clouds.

I walked slowly, without a specific destination in mind. I was hoping to find peace in that.
But it didn't quite last long enough for me to enjoy it.
Right ahead of me he appeared.
And to be honest he looked surprised and maybe happy to see me.

"Hey Linn, fate has a way of bringing us together a lot these days," he said moving closer and closer to me.
I hated it when he did that, but he never seemed to mind.
"Bill, I don't have the strength to fight you right now so please don't start."
"Come on! I wasn't asking for a fight."
Then he stopped immediately as if he'd noticed something.
"Jesus! Linn! What happened to you? Why are your eyes so red?"
"Not now Bill, please."
"I don't want to hurt you or anything. Are you OK?" He asked, looking so concerned.
Honestly, the question came out so sincere and in a way I found myself so weak.
"No" I answered and started to cry.
He covered the last inches keeping us apart, and I just gave in to his hug.
"I am not okay."