HIM

CHAPTER 38

We ate in a very awkward silence. No one was talking, and no one showed any signs of wanting to talk. Strangely, no one even wanted to maintain eye contact with another for a second. The tension was so uncomfortable, you could literally get sick. I thought grandma's talkative nature would save us here, but she was as quiet as we all were. She didn't say anything, she wasn't looking up.
Then we all finished eating, that's when Mum spoke her first words, "I'll clear the table." Then she carried the used utensils to the kitchen and really took her time in there.
Grandma just excused herself and left for her room. So it was just me and my Dad in the sitting room. I hope he'd talk this time, or my head was just going to burst.
" How is school?" He asked.
It was a boring question but I answered nonetheless, "It's all going good, am doing my best."
"OK. Uhmm... I understand I am causing a lot of tension in here and I am really sorry. Linn, I am really sorry I left the way I did..."
These are the kind of talks I hate I think.
"...There's a lot you can't understand about it now."
He didn't know just how much I knew I guess.
"But I won't talk about it now. I just want to make things right with you again. I want to be your father again."
Oh, I had almost forgotten how life was when I had a father to look up to. The sound of his latter statement felt refreshing. But at the same time, I was angry.
"You went away like you never even cared. How can I be sure you aren't going to do it again?"
Maybe he had been waiting for me to ask that because he didn't even seem shocked for a second. Instead, he moved a chair so he'd be closer to me. Then he said, "That was my biggest mistake and I have never lived in peace with myself for doing that to my family. But I am back to make things right with you, with everyone else."

Everyone else was not here as he thought. And it reminded me of that one dear person.
"Maybe if you hadn't left, Jaimie would still be here today."
That wasn't expected because the shock in his face told it.
"What? What is it you meant by that?"
That was the time Mum came into the room.
"Linn, go to your room now!"
Not gently, not sweetly, she ordered.
I stood and walked away slowly. And strangely, I felt good after saying that. It was like a weight had been lifted from me and now I felt lighter.
They didn't say anything. I think Mom was waiting for me to really go to my room.
I jammed the door loud enough so they'd know I was in.
Minutes later, I heard our front door open and close.
It was going to be a long night.

Grandma walked into my room, and sat on my bed.
"My child, there is plenty you can't understand now, and to be honest, you don't even need to hear about them at your age or even you shouldn't hear them at all."
Whoa! She was serious in a way I'd never seen her before.
"Did I say the wrong thing to him?" I asked so innocently, like I meant no harm.
"Yes, you definitely did say the wrong and the worst thing. It is no one's fault Jaimie died. Personally I blamed myself for pushing your Mom to let him go the way I did, and I kept hating myself for it. But someone I really trusted told me that I was just building a never ending chain of blame games."
"Then who's to blame granny?"
"No one. We can't control everything, some are way out of hand for us as humans. Your father knew that by leaving you he'd maybe find peace. I am sure he never thought it'd cause a worse case like that of your brother. Besides, one day Jaimie was just going to fly anyway, whether living with you or not. If that was his fate, nothing was going to change it; not your father being around or even me not pushing it. "
It made sense the way she put it.
"But I felt relieved after saying it to him. What does that mean? "
"Look here my child. Feeling that way doesn't mean it was the right thing to say. You're angry at your father I know, but it's time you also let your brother go, it's been 6 years now."
"How do I do that?"
"I am sure your Mom and Dad are working out a way he'll be seeing you. So next time he comes, talk to him, let him know how you felt about everything. Vent out till there's nothing left but room for forgiveness, OK?"
"It didn't have to be that much I had hoped. Do you think he'll really still want to see me?"
"Of course he will still want to see you. He's still your father, he understands your anger. Besides, he still wants to make things right."
"OK grandma, I will talk to him."
"But don't cry too much when you're venting, I don't want to see puffy eyes in this house while am telling you stories."
"I won't cry, am not a crybaby."
She just laughed at me and stood as if ready to leave.
"You don't know anything about closure."

Then the front opened and closed again. We kept quiet to hear the direction the footsteps were headed to. They turned left, then right again, then it was straight along the corridor, and stopped right in front of my room before the door opened.
Mum stood there, the expression on her face somewhat cross.
"Linn, your father will be back here tomorrow. Try and be kind with your words please," she said.
I can imagine the big fight they'd had outside maybe, it was my fault I guess.
Then grandma went next to her and held her lightly on the, shoulder, "I've talked to her, she'll be fine."
"Thanks mother," she replied as if so relieved. I didn't think talking to me would be that heavy for her one day.
Then they left. Without a goodnight.