... Oh, my heart, it breaks every step that I take. But, I'm hoping at the gates they'll tell me that you're mine. Walking through the city streets, is it by mistake or design? I feel so alone on a Friday night. Can you make it feel like home if I tell you you're mine?...
Sam had a song playing that had my mind moving. It was Born To Die, by Lana Del Rey. The lyrics had meaning behind them. It was something I hadn't paid attention to until now.
Jay has been on my mind recently, more so than other times. I've just reached the point that I can think about him without hurting. But I still can't say it. I can't talk about it. I had the strange mentality that if I said it out loud, it was set in stone. That it made it real.
"You think too much." Sam said, out of the blue.
She may have a point. I get carried away with my thoughts, ending up in a shitty mood.
"Just relax. Don't think." She leaned back in the driver's seat, giving me an example.
I couldn't help but laugh. She looked like some sort of a gangster.
"It's easier said than done." I told her.
The group has been babying me lately. I hate being treated as if I'm fragile. I may be, but I'm a big girl. I can handle myself.
Eventually, we pulled into some random place she decided to bring me.
"Hey sweetheart." Tony said, holding onto my waist.
I gave a small smile. I've been saving money to get out. I told myself it was to get out of his hair, but I'm starting to think the tables have turned.
Yeah, we're dating. But it's absolutely pointless. I don't love him. I don't even like him. I hate to say it, but he's just a distraction.
Turns out, she invited everyone to a restaurant. The lady came up and asked what we wanted for drinks. I ordered a margarita.
"You always drink. Try tea or water for once. A soda maybe." Tony suggested.
"Does it even make a difference?" I snapped. "When I'm sober I feel pain." The last part wasn't meant to be voiced.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to be me. I'm tired of all the shame.
I want to forget Jay and I ever happened. But I don't. I'm so fucking confused, and I hate it. I hate not knowing what I'm doing or why. I hate feeling as if I have no purpose. Recently, that's all I've been feeling.
It's almost like heaven is trying everything to break me down. Like it's trying to keep me away from him. If there is a god, he's a really fucking shitty one.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. I don't think anyone heard me.
None of them looked, so I'm going to say they didn't. But I really was. I've been being as ass lately. To everyone- not just Tony.
Maybe it's time I do walk away. Jay's dropped everything we are and/or will be. I've been told for years that it's unhealthy to hold on to broken things, so I'm letting this go.
Short asf guys. But I promise, not many more short chapters left. ^-^
