I was numb. I'd go as far as to say I felt dead inside. Feel? Hell, I might as well be. Without Jay, I'm absolutely nothing. He's picked me up from my lowest of lows. He's loved me when I didn't love myself. And I had to go and fuck that up.
The first week or two, I blamed Tony for all of this. But one late and drunken night, I realized just how much of this was my fault. I could've pushed him away. I shouldn't have went looking for him. I should've been the good little girlfriend I am- or was- and sat there. One little broken friendship never hurt anyone. For a few days, maybe. But not as long as this break up has hurt.
I've cried myself out. Physically, I'm hurting. Every bone in my body ached. My heart felt like it left with Jay. It felt like he took it with him.
Tony has helped as much as he can. With my noncompliance, it's been hard. I've been uncooperative. But today, I was turning a new leaf. If he can live without me, I can live without him. I'm done trying to get in touch, I'm done sending letters, I'm done caring. I'm not done loving him, no. I doubt I'd ever get that far.
I followed the morning routine: bathing, brushing teeth, fixing hair, getting dressed. Soon, I was hopping down stairs with a pep in my step.
Sam got all of our things from Jay's house. Partially because she moved in with Vic back in San Diego. Tony and I were at his old house in San Diego as well. Ren and Logan got an apartment to share with Adia. Her and Andy went through a bump in the road a week or two ago. I lost track of everything when I was wallowing in my self pity.
"Someone's happy this morning." Tony said, sliding a plate in front of me. Pancakes? I think yes.
Tony took me in after Jay cut things off. It didn't look good, me staying in the house of the man I cheated on my boyfriend with.
"Eh, just a change in mood." I smiled up at him.
I'm surprised he's put up with me for this long. Seeing as I practically wanted to murder him not even a month ago. At least I think it was a month.
"Tony?" I asked, getting his attention. "How long was I, you know. Secluded?"
A frown crossed his features. "A while. Why?"
"Just wondering." I mumbled through a mouthful of food.
We ate in silence, for the most part. He had Bush playing through a boom box. There's a few I didn't know, but Glycerin came on, and I lost my marbles.
"Oh my Morgan Freeman, Tony. Turn this up." I said, excitement laced in my voice.
It's ben years since I heard this song. As a matter of fact, I think I remember the last time. My brother was dropping me off at school before he left for Savannah.
Tony was laughing at me, practically screaming the lyrics. It amazes me. I can remember lyrics from nearly three years ago, but I guarantee you if someone asked what color my underwear was, I couldn't tell you.
"You up for some fun today?" He asked, putting the now clean dishes back up.
"Sure. As if you can handle all this." I said sarcastically.
He smirked. "I'm sure I can manage."
----
We had went to the fair just on the outskirts of town. It wasn't too crowded. But we did invite Sam and Vic. They showed up just as we were leaving.
"Way to go. Great timing, huh?" I said, pushing Sam playfully.
She smiled and punched me. It's never hurt much. Even when we were younger.
"We can always go swimming." Tony suggested.
"But, it's dark." I stated the obvious which apparently wasn't so obvious.
He gave me a shit eating grin. "That's a good thing."
I was so confused. How can you go swimming at night? Yeah, we're surrounded by an ocean, but don't you have to see?
Sam grabbed my hand and towed me towards her car. "I have an extra bathing suit in the car. You can change there."
"But-" I began to protest.
"Ah, no buts. Your ass is having fun tonight, if its the last thing I do." She stated.
"But why?"
She unlocked the black Nissan, and looked at me with a sad expression.
"You've been locked in your room for two months, Alex. I know how much this has been killing you. And when you hurt, I hurt seeing you hurt." She said.
"One, that last part made zero sense." I said with a laugh. "Two, it means a lot, but I can handle myself."
"I've known you for how many- fourteen, fifteen years? You fall sometimes, but you've never been good at bouncing back."
She held truth in her words. I can count on one hand how many times I've been broken, but never have I taken a fall well. I may act like I have everything under control, but in all reality, I'm not okay. Not at all. Also, I've never been good at admitting it either. I'd like for everyone to think I'm invincible. Though I think my closest friends know I'm not. If anything, they've seen me at my worst. High school wasn't an easy road for me.
"Sammy, could you toss me my swimming shorts?" Vic asked, making his way towards the car.
I smirked, seeing the blush tint her cheeks. She pulled a pair out of their bag and handed them to him with a death glare.
The nickname remind me vaguely of the one Jay used to call me. I'd threaten his life, knowing good and well I loved it.
It's the small things you come to miss most. The way he takes his coffee, the way he throws his arms around me when he's asleep, that earth shatteringly loud snore. A part of me would give anything to forget. But the majority wants to hold on to the broken pieces for dear life.
"You okay" Tony asked, appearing at my side.
I nodded, and shooed him away so I could get dressed.
Sam stood guard as I undressed and pulled on the two piece. It was a very bright green- something that would've been foreign to the younger version of her. We've all changed through the years. Some changes were good, some not hardly.
"Come on slow poke." She said, nearly jerking me from the vehicle.
"Get your panties out of your ass, I'm coming." I joked.
It wasn't long before I was being thrown off the pier. Tony jumped in after me, pulling me back under. Sam and Vic were next to dive in.
"It's warmer than I expected." Tony said once he resurfaced.
I agreed, and pulled my hair up with the plastic band around my wrist. A pair of arms wrapped around my waist, scaring the ever living shit out of me.
"You're beautiful tonight." His low voice sent a chill through my body. It wasn't a bad one either.
His large hand grabbed my waist and turned me so that I was facing him.
I'd like to say I hated what happened next, but I liked it more than I should've.
He captured my lips with his own, moving smoothly and passionately. It's been a long time, and I needed the affection.
I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck.
"I like you a lot Alex." He mumbled against my lips. I ignored the comment, and rolled my hips into his.
