Sun and Moon

Three

I woke up the next morning to my preset weekday alarm on my phone. I felt like hell but couldn't remember why I was miserable or sleeping on the couch at first, until the events from the day before came rushing back to me. I rolled over and covered my head. There was no way in hell I was going in today. I hardly ever called in sick, but I figured your boyfriend of two years breaking it off and telling you he had never really loved you had to count for something.

Grabbing my phone, I pecked out a quick email to my boss telling her I wasn't going to make it in and where the manuscripts that needed to be emailed out today were saved in the work drive, and then cocooned myself in my blankets on my bed.

        ***

I woke up again a little while later and checked my phone. It was only 8:51am. I groaned. My forehead and back were damp, I had a headache and my face felt puffy. It didn't help that I'd just woken up from a nightmare.

In the dream, I went to Daniel's apartment to grab something I'd left (he kept his own apartment even after we moved in, "so there wouldn't be unnecessary pressure on the relationship"). When I got there, I saw him walking out with a tiny dark-haired woman, his hand on her hip as he helped her into his car. Even though I had always hated the way he had done this to me at the beginning of our relationship, I could feel the overwhelming misery engulfing me as my dream self watched. I had always enjoyed being touched by boyfriends before, but Daniel had a way of cheapening the experience. He had only been affectionate when we were around other men or when he wanted to be intimate, and that had irked me. It didn't make me feel loved. But, it had been so long since he'd touched me in a non-sexual way, that even his passive aggressive way of clenching onto me while we were out seemed preferable to the distance I'd gotten used to in these last few months.

When Daniel got in the car, he leaned over and kissed the woman so long and hard that my dream self had to open her driver's door to get sick on the pavement. When I woke up, real tears were on my cheeks.

I couldn't shake the dream, so I pulled up his Facebook on my phone. Nothing was different yet. Our relationship status was the same, so he hadn't changed it. Some small part of me was relieved. Maybe he was rethinking his decision? Did I even want him to rethink it? Being honest with myself, I had known something wasn't right with us for a while now. It shadowed our every move and tainted every interaction between us. But whenever I tried to talk to Daniel, he had shut down and told me I was being ridiculous.

I had to admit, a small part of me was relieved that we finally had acknowledged it and weren't ignoring it anymore. As much as my heart ached knowing our relationship was over, that minuscule portion of my brain knew that if we got back together, things would go back to how they were and I realized that I didn't want to live like that anymore. I hated feeling inadequate and unsure of myself all of the time, pretending I didn't feel in my gut that something was really wrong.

I realized maybe I didn't want to be with Daniel, even if I still loved him, because we weren't right for each other. This realization hit me in the gut and I could feel the air leave my lungs as I started sobbing loudly, my shoulders shaking. Knowing that the last two years of my life had been a waste and that we would never have what what we thought we had in the beginning again made my chest ache. The early days when we thought we were in love and couldn't keep our hands off each other were so simple. Back then he would tell me I was beautiful and pull me into passionate kisses, like the one he shared with the dream girl. A part of me mourned the person I was back then. I didn't think I'd ever be able to give my heart so freely again. That person didn't even feel like me anymore.

Boo, who had been purring in a ball at my feet, broke me out of my thoughts as she rubbed her head against me hard, confused by my sadness. I hiccuped and scratched her chin and ear. I loved her so much. I should have known that Daniel and I weren't going to work out early on, I thought glumly. He had always disliked Boo. He pushed her off his lap if she jumped on it and would never pet her. Granted, the feeling seemed to be mutual.