Sun and Moon

Twenty-Seven

Hope's POV

I watched Luna drive away and with her left the temporary ease that had settled over me the last couple of hours. In its place, I could feel dread creeping in. Anxiety was filling me at the thought of facing Joon, not to mention overwhelming guilt.

After receiving the text from Joon, I'd helped Luna get cleaned up and dressed, walking hand-in-hand with her to her car and kissing her goodnight. A pang ran through my chest as I apologized to her and gave her half an explanation that I owed it to the rest of the group to at least hear Joon out as soon as possible. I could see from her eyes she was worried and confused, but she didn't ask me to explain any further. As pissed as I still was at Joon for the terrible things he had said about Luna, I knew we needed to get this settled before the show tomorrow. I hated that I was sending Luna home like this, though.

As I climbed into my own car, Joon's words echoed through my head as I realized I had literally just treated her like what he had called her, "a fuck buddy". After all, I had ignored her texts all day, had a quickie with her in the studio, and now was sending her home with a half-ass explanation and no promise of when I was going to be able to hang out again. I clutched my head with one hand, hitting the steering wheel in my frustration with my free one. It made me feel sick and I hated myself, even more, watching her reaction.

Because of course, she wasn't angry at me or hurt. Both of those would have been hard to see but would've been easier for me to handle than her actual reaction. She only seemed upset about what was going on with me and my bandmates and what her part may be in it, which made me feel even guiltier still. I knew technically there was not much else I could've done in this situation. I did owe it to the other members to iron this out with Joon and I had been busy all day preparing for the upcoming concert.

But you could help fucking her against a mirror in a dark studio before sending her home alone, Hoseok, a little voice inside me reasoned. A fresh wave of shame hit me at the truth of these words. Yes, that's something I could have- probably should have- not done. One particular impulse I should not have indulged in at the moment. Not that it wasn't good. Fuck, was it good, and not only that, it had felt so right at the time. Like something not only I- but we both needed. I'd gotten so caught up in the moment. I rarely ever lost control like that. But I could tell it was something she had desperately needed too. My only regret was having to send her home alone afterward, with little explanation. I didn't want her to feel cheap. Because it wasn't to me and I wanted her to know that. No, it wasn't gentle love-making where we stared into each other's eyes, but it was a strong connection, nevertheless. It was us opening up to each other in another way, swallowing each other's frustration and longing. I'd never let myself go so much and just lost myself in another person like that before and I wanted her to know that.

As I began driving across town, I tried to organize my thoughts for the discussion looming ahead with Joon. I was trying to figure out how to explain my behavior these past few weeks. Because as much as I thought I was still being careful and wasn't doing anything wrong with Luna, I had to admit that from Joon's point of view, I probably seemed reckless. I scrubbed a hand through my damp hair and blinked hard, frustrated tears welling in my eyes as I held the wheel with the other hand.

Honestly, I wasn't sure what was wrong with me. I was doing all kinds of things lately that were unusual for me. All my life I had prided myself on being a person in control of himself. After all, there is so much in life that you can't control. The least you can do is control your own actions. Control your own words and path, to a certain degree. You can work hard and have faith the rest falls into place. Things never go in the straight path you'd envisioned for yourself initially, but if you work hard enough and have a positive attitude, usually you get there eventually. Or so I'd always tried to believe. And following that ideology, things had worked out for the most part for our group. God knows the path was long and winding, but we'd worked our asses off and stayed together through thick and thin, despite all odds, and we'd become more successful than we could've ever imagined. We'd broken more records and made more money than most of us had ever dreamed was possible. Our faces were on billboards and we couldn't leave the house without people recognizing us wherever we went, even with hats shoved down low over our heads and masks on.