Sun and Moon

Four

The contentment which had spread through me while Hope was there disappeared like a morning fog not long after he left. The emptiness of the apartment was weighing down on me again. I tried to tell myself that I would get to hang out with Hope again tomorrow and not to let myself spiral, but the longer I didn't hear from Hope, the more the little balloon in my chest deflated.

What if I had scared him off with my better than sex comment? Why in the hell wasn't I thinking before speaking? He seemed to play it off well, but maybe he was actually offended and thought I was trying to hit on him? He was super gorgeous and obviously way out of my league, but honestly the thought hadn't occurred to me to make a move. I was still too broken, the breakup too fresh.

I kicked the coffee table in frustration and Boo jumped off my lap with a yowl, glaring at me. Great, now I truly had chased off everyone. I hoped he knew I didn't mean anything by that stupid comment. I just desperately needed a friend right now and he had come at the perfect time, like he was some kind of answer to a prayer I hadn't even made. 

I knew I was pathetic for being so attached to this guy I had just met, but my only close friends were back home in Chicago. I hadn't even told my best friend about Daniel and I splitting yet. I knew if she found out before I told her, I was in for it. But I guess I didn't want to tell her yet because it made it real. So I truly only had Hope right now....If I even had him anymore after my stupidity. I groaned and threw the couch pillow next to me across the room.

I spent the rest of the night watching movies that I knew would make me cry, snacking, and drinking way too many sodas. I watched all my go-tos when I was depressed: Les Miserables, P.S. I Love You, Phantom of the Opera, and A Star Is Born. I took a little time to go to the laundry room at my complex and do a load of laundry, in case Hope did end up texting me about the next day. I kept looking over at my phone, but no notifications appeared. Since I was already spiraling, I went ahead and kicked myself while I was down and checked Daniel's Facebook again to see what he was doing. He still hadn't posted, but I didn't feel relief or even dwell on it. My thoughts drifted to Hope instead. I wondered if I was being paranoid and he just had to work late. I kicked the dryer shut with my foot and hoisted my clothes basket of clean clothes up, shuffling back to my apartment.

Finally, I was out of sodas, snacks and laundry detergent, so I was forced to make myself look decent and go out to get a few groceries. I told myself I needed the groceries anyway, but really in the back of my mind I knew that I needed to have something on hand to eat and drink in case Hope and I did end up hanging out at my place again. I didn't want to be unprepared like I was this morning. It occurred to me that I had no idea what he liked to eat or drink, apart from his go-to iced Americano. Knowing full well that I wasn't going to text him to ask about snacks when he said he'd reach out to me, I went up and down the drink aisle three times before deciding on getting a few of the staples: Coke, Sprite, and Dr. Pepper. I couldn't think of a single person I knew who didn't like at least one of those. I figured Hope would probably drink water or tea since he was a dancer, but I got those just in case. Food and snacks were harder. I grabbed a few easy meals for myself for the next few days like frozen steamable veggies, salad mixes, and spaghetti and then grabbed an a couple of different chips and some bananas for snacks.

I went to the international aisle to grab some salsa for the chips in my kart and had to avoid a couple of giggling girls, grabbing my salsa and starting to head the other way. Then I remembered I was out of my favorite little fish-shaped cakes that I gotten hooked on after trying them once. The fish cakes were an Asian snack I had been drawn to because of the cuteness of the fish on the package. They tasted kind of like a Twinkie, only with chocolate inside. I was addicted to them ever since that time and this was definitely a night for pigging out on junk food if I'd ever had one.