Sun and Moon

Twenty-Eight ♡

Luna's POV

It always began the same and in the beginning, it didn't seem like a nightmare at all, but rather was almost comforting. I was a little girl again, at the pool, and I was splashing and playing, pretending to be a mermaid. My mother watched from the side, a big smile on her face. Her eyes were hidden from view by large plastic white sunglasses which were her favorite at the time, but I knew exactly what they would look like beneath the dark lenses- bright green and similar to my own, except her green was slightly darker, and there were small laugh lines which fanned out from the corners of hers, her only tell that she was now on the downward slide of her 30s instead of her late 20s, as she appeared. Well that and the fact that she had me, a 10-year-old daughter.

Her blonde wavy hair was piled into a giant claw clip, the long bangs which usually framed her small face blowing in the light breeze, and she was sporting her favorite white polka-dotted black one-piece, its thin spaghetti straps stretched across the skin of her shoulders, which were glowing healthy and warm with her summer tan already in full swing. The dream always felt so real. The babble of voices and laughter surrounded me, occasionally punctuated by children's screeches of joy as they splashed and dunked each other. I could feel the cool water enveloping me and supporting my weight, the smell of chlorine strong in my nose and even burning my eyes slightly. The sun's hot rays baked my face and the tops of my ears and I longed to plunge beneath the cool surface of the glittery pale turquoise waters surrounding me. But now panic started to rise up in me and tighten my chest. This all felt familiar, but now in an uncomfortable way. I'd had this dream so many times now. I knew the next words out of my mouth and willed my child voice not to say them, but I couldn't stop it. It's always what happened next.

"Mom! Watch me! Watch!" I squealed, and even as the words left my mouth, I could feel my stomach start to turn and I was powerless to stop them, to stop myself from plunging beneath the surface of the water. It was always the same. I could see my small arms striking out in front of me, propelling me towards the blurry bottom of the pool until I felt its grainy texture beneath my hands and curled my head under my arms, flipping my small body beneath the water before closing my eyes and propelling myself back to the surface.

But it wouldn't be this time. This time was safe. It was never the first time. I felt my head break the surface and I came up, taking a big gulp of air and wiping my eyes before opening them to search for my mom, the words, "Did you see? Did you see me, Mom?" tumbling from my lips before I could even fully open my eyes. And the form of my mom swam into view, the water slowly dripping from my lashes and allowing me a clear view of her smiling face, nodding.

"Yes, Luna. I saw you, little fish. You were wonderful!"

And it was like I was two versions of myself inhabiting the same body. I could feel my younger self beaming in pride but the older Luna trapped within felt even more ill, knowing what was coming and powerless to stop it from happening- powerless to warn her younger self to just stop the dream there. Wake up, I willed my younger self. Or swim away. Just keep your head above the surface and your eyes open. Don't close them again. Just change the dream. But I never could wake up or change the course. So I watched and listened as my small voice rang out again, more excited this time, "Okay, but now watch this, Mom! I can do a hand stand!"

I took a big breath and held it, my small arms propelling myself downward beneath the cool surface again, and once again meeting the grainy texture of the bottom, but this time staying there and holding the rest of my body up as I stretched and straightened myself, feeling my legs get slightly colder as I held them tight together for my hand stand and they breached the surface. After a second, I let my legs drop and I began swimming back to the surface. I thought, maybe it will be different this time. Maybe it won't happen. Maybe I can change it for once, but feeling in my heart it wasn't true. My head and shoulders burst up from the water and as I wiped my eyes, fear gripped me, knowing what was coming from all the times this dream had haunted me before.