my drug | ashtray | euphoria

chapter 9: relapse

(tw: drug use)

me and ash got woken up by Fez storming in. "dude what the fuck", ash shouted. "i wanna kill Nate", Fez slammed a gun on the side and looked over at me and ash, "what's he done", i asked rubbing my eyes, still exhausted. "that fucker was just joking around when i was bein serious as fuck", fez sat down and put his face in his hands.

i let him calm down a bit before asking, "what did you say to him", i asked shyly, nervous for the answer i was about to get. "i told him if he keeps playin with u and ur sister i'll fucking kill him", Fez looks at ash then at me then at the floor, "would you actually kill him?", "yes Kenzie, i would actually fucking kill him, he's fucking wit u and ur family, that's fucked", Fez said still looking at the floor. i couldn't say anything i just walked over and hugged him.

me, ash and fez spoke for a bit and watched some TV, fez fell asleep on the couch so me and ash went to his room so we wouldn't wake him up. "why don't you just stay with me every-night, it's safer and you've already stayed here every-night for a week, plus i prefer when your here Kenz, makes me less anxious", ash looked at me and put his hand on my leg, "so will you, i can take you home tomorrow and you can get your stuff". i want to i really do but i'm 14 not living with my sister or mum, that's scary.

i think for a bit and decide i do want to stay with him, he's right i'm safer here not just from Nate and other people but from myself, my own thoughts, problems. "yeah i'd love that, i'll text Maddy and tell her", i gave him a kiss then pulled out my phone

*10 texts from Maddy*

shit, i didn't check my phone at all

Maddy

-Kenzie
-Kenzie pleasee
-Kenzie please answer
-i need to tell you something
-pleassseee
-bitch answer me
-i swear, answer me
-PLEASE BITCH
-are you okay?
-hurry tf up and answer me
-sorry sorry my phone was on silent
-what did u wanna tell me?
-Nate text me..
-WHAT DID HE SAY.
-that he's sorry
-do not forgive him maddy please
-ok, when are you coming home?
-i think i'm gonna live here for a bit, i'm picking my stuff up tomorrow
-ok, see you tomorrow

i put my phone down and just dropped to the bed, i can't be bothered with any of this. "you ok?", ash moved closer to me and put his arm round me, "nope, Nate text Maddy saying he's sorry and now i think Maddy is gonna get back with him", i put my head in my hands and laughed, not cause i think it's funny, because i'm angry and upset and confused and so fucking fed up. i could do with some fucking drugs right now, i'm 6 months clean though.

me and ash watched TV for a bit and i waited for him to fall asleep, he fell asleep and i walked to the kitchen, i was thirsty. i'm grabbed some water and went to get something to eat. pills.. theres some pills in the cupboard. i grabbed them and read the label. one won't hurt? two won't hurt? a few more won't hurt? before i could even think i had taken 6-7. it felt good. i felt better. i felt free.

after about an hour i went on a low, a lot of times with drugs that happens, you'll be on a high and then just drop and end up on a low after a bit. i was on a shitty low. i fell asleep on one of the chairs.

i was in a dead sleep, it took ash and fez 4 hours to wake me up. i didn't tell them about the pills, just told them i was really tired and fell asleep on the chair. i could tell they didn't believe me but they didn't say anything.

i'm so done with everything right now.