Aftermath

10

When she woke up, Matthew was still there. He hadn't moved in fact. He still held her against his chest, one hand buried in her hair. Cal pressed further into his neck.

"I dreamt of her," she said, breaking the silence. "I haven't dreamt of her for almost 2 years."  The words hung suspended in the quiet of the room, the only sound around them was their breathing.

"It's going to kill me, Mattie. I'm going to hurt you and it's going to be the worst thing I've ever done." She choked on a sob. He pulled her close, shushing her.

...

Calpurnia felt nothing. She was numb to the events transpiring around her. Matthew helped her bathe and change into clean clothes. She felt his gaze as he helped dress, but he said nothing about the way her hip bones had begun protruding. He tried to get her to eat but she wasn't hungry. Then, he put on a movie and set her up on the couch with a pillow and her comforter. All Cal could do was blink when her eyes burned, and inhale when her lungs ached.

"I have to go take care of some things at the hotel." Matthew's face came into view and blocked her line of sight from the television. She felt her body seize up and the static hum pound in her ears as soon as the words left his mouth. Her breathing became shallow and insufficient. Matthew cupped her cheeks and rubbed his thumbs across them firmly, forcing her attention back to him.

"Hey, hey, Callie," he said. "What is it? What's wrong?" His eyebrows knit together worriedly, something he'd done for as long as she'd known him.

"Wait," Calpurnia begged him to understand what she needed. Begged him not to make her ask. Her wide eyes were locked with his holding onto his wrist while his hands still held her cheeks. He nodded.

"Okay, come with me?" He offered and she nodded, pulling herself up into a sitting position. They arrived at Matthew's car and Cal slid in the passenger side next to Matthew. She leaned across the center console, looped her arms around his, and rested her cheek against his bicep.

He placed his hand on her knee and gave it a gentle reassuring squeeze.

"I'm here" he whispered against her hair. "Anytime you need proof, I will give it to you Cal."

*a week later*

"Why did you leave?" Calpurnia's back was to Matthew, while she scrubbed at a stubborn spot on the baking sheet she was washing. She heard the squeak of the washrag against the table pause.

"There was an emergency at work they needed me to come back for" he explained, she could hear the squeak resume as he wiped down the surface. "I tried to call you, but I couldn't get through," he added.

"I turned my phone off," Cal sucked her lips into her mouth anxiously. She had known there was a reasonable explanation for his absence, Mattie had never been careless with people's emotions in that regard.

"You didn't think-" Mattie trailed and she could feel the burn of his eyes on the back of her head. She turned around and leaned her back against the sink to face him.

"I don't know what I thought," she said with her eyes glued to the tile floor of the kitchen. "I was on autopilot." She nodded giving finality to her statement and turned back around to finish washing the dishes from their meal.

"I tried to call you, but when you weren't answering I thought maybe you needed time." He traveled the few steps to the sink and reached around her to rinse out the rag.

"Can I ask you something?" Calpurnia said turning around so they were face to face again. He nodded but didn't move his arms, caging her in her spot.

"What have they said about her case?" She knew it was a risky question. There was a bundle of unhinged emotions surrounding the case and the topic of Rowan herself. Matthew was not the kind to get angry, which is why she felt comfortable even in such close proximity.

"Are you sure?" He tilted his neck so he could clearly see her eyes. Calpurnia gnawed at the skin of her bottom lip nervously but nodded a yes nonetheless. He let out a sigh and closed his eyes in concentration.

"For the most part, they are reopening cases that were investigated by a certain team, with new management. 'Common occurrence'." He stopped examining her face. Looking for a change of heart, she imagined, but when he didn't find one he continued. "But, they seemed like they don't think they have the whole story which is why I'm here."

Calpurnia jerked her eyes up to meet his, hoping for even an inkling as to how he was feeling about it, but all she saw was concern.

"They think-" Cal stopped, swallowed,  and took a breath to calm the shaking in her voice. "Do they think something else happened?" She rubbed her palms down her thighs.

"I don't know, all I have been told is that it's reopened and actively being investigated again." Cal closed her eyes, trying to process the news. She had expected something was up since Matthew had mentioned the case being reopened the first time he came back to the valley, but she hadn't let herself think about it.

The emotional black hole surrounding Rowan was enough to swallow anyone. But for some reason, it had its hooks deep in Cal. When Calpurnia examined everyone affected by the death of Rowan, she could see the ways people had grieved and changed in response. But no one seemed to feel the black rot pooling in their gut, so thick they couldn't breathe. No one but Cal.

Calpurnia felt Matthew's hands wrap around the base of her upper arm, thumbs pressing softly into the inside of her elbow.

"Are you okay, Mattie?" Cal said, barely above a whisper. She scanned his face, waiting for his response, but eventually, he settled for a simple shrug of his shoulders. She nodded. Cal understood what he meant. Sometimes the answer isn't black and white.

"Thank you for telling me," Cal murmured into his shirt after she wrapped her arms around his torso. He nodded again.