Aftermath

14

She waited in silence for Matthew to say something. He laid still, holding his breath. Finally, he let out a long exhale and shifted so she could see his face.

"Cal," he held her hand firmly, "I didn't want to put you on the spot," he explained. He pressed his fingers into his eyes and took a moment before continuing. "I didn't want you to be bombarded with questions you don't have answers to." She knit her eyebrows together in confusion. Cal had never considered the implications of their actions, it would have been overwhelming in that setting to address it if questioned. Never mind the fact she wouldn't have known what to say. She dropped her head pulling her gaze from his.

"I thought you were embarrassed by me." Her voice was soft. Matthew lifted her chin with his fingertips and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

"I would never be embarrassed by you, Callie."

Calpurnia nodded and pushed her forehead harder against his mouth as he spoke. She felt him tense and looked up into his eyes. They were full of regret and sorrow. She gripped his hands; they were rough in her fingers. When she looked at them she noticed they had scrapes on them. She looked up at him questioning the red across his knuckles.

"I left you with O," he said and he squeezed his eyes shut and took in a shaky breath of air. "I'm so fucking sorry" he exhaled, Cal could see the blur of unshed tears in his brown eyes. "He wasn't going to leave you alone-" she finally understood what he was getting at and leaned forward to press a kiss to his lips, stopping his sentence. He hesitated against her lips, but she kept kissing him, and she pulled his hands until he wrapped them around her.

When she thought she would run out of air she broke the kiss.

"We shouldn't, I'm sorry" she whispered, vastly aware that nothing she was doing was fair. Kissing him, pushing him away. Pulling his arms around her while saying they shouldn't do it. Matthew nodded and averted his gaze from her as he stood up. He had every right to be frustrated but she couldn't help the song of hurt that flooded her when he walked away.

There was a bang from the bathroom, Cal stood and walked to check it out. When she opened the door she found Matthew gripping the countertop with white knuckles. There was toothpaste, cotton swabs, and a comb strewn on the floor beside the counter. He wouldn't look at her, but she knew he was crying by the ragged way his breath left his lips.

"Sorry I-" Cal stopped him.

"I'm not being fair to you," She paused for a moment and then shook her head, "god, none of this is fair. But most of all I'm not being fair to you."

"Can you stop acting like I'm some fragile little kid who doesn't know what he's doing?" Cal was stunned to silence at the intensity of his words. "I'm not some clueless pathetic loser who can't take a hint. It's a little more complicated than that."

"Well obviously, I know it's more than that..."

"I get to decide when I'm done. Stop trying to fucking manage everyone else at the expense of yourself." He still hadn't looked at her. His knuckles were still white with the hardness of his grip on the counter.

"I wasn't trying to make you feel that way."

"Calpurnia," he sounded exasperated, "can't you see that's the issue? You're paralyzed by the hypotheticals of so many people's emotions, you can't even identify what yours are."

"That's not fair-"

"So then tell me you don't love me." The silence that followed was deafening. "Rowan is fucking dead. You're going to have to stop letting her dictate your life."

"What the fuck Matthew?" Cal's arms wrapped around herself instinctively as her body hollowed to make room for the dread pouring in. She turned around and walked out of the bathroom. Before she could think better of it she walked down the steps and out the front door of her apartment. Allowing herself a moment to cool down from the heated conversation they'd been having and take in lungfuls of the frigid November air.

"Can you please come back inside?" It had probably been about ten minutes before she heard his voice calling her back in. She turned around to meet his gaze and found that his face was stricken with remorse and guilt. "I was being unreasonable. Neither of us is being fair." Calpurnia still hadn't budged but she held his gaze. "Please?" He tried one last time. She conceded with a nod and walked back up with him.

When Cal was settled into the couch with tea in hand, Matthew spoke again.

"Can we please just talk about this?" a pressure built up in her throat making it hard to breathe or swallow. She let out a lackadaisical cough in an attempt to relieve it, but it was no use.

"I can't..." her voice was so thin, it was mostly air. She took a breath in and tried again. "I really don't think I can" it was a whisper. She looked down at the tea in her hand, taking particular interest in the dab of honey that remained smudged at the bottom of the cup. Matthew stood and walked out of the room, and Calpurnia bit back the plea that threatened to fly from her lips. When he came back into the living room, Calpurnia fought the urge to reach out for him.

"I know that," she paused to take a shaky breath and tried again "I'm so scared when you leave, and I'm so scared when I want you to stay." her fingers twiddled nervously as she spoke. Matthew opened his mouth to respond and Cal shook her head. "Please don't. Don't say something that will make me hate you." Or worse, something that will make it even harder to hate you.

"Let's go to bed then." He didn't sound upset like she had expected when he spoke. Rather, he sounded understanding.

She followed him into her room and they climbed into bed. Calpurnia curled into herself under the blankets next to Matthew, careful not to touch him in an attempt to give him space. Even if he was willing to table it for now, he was still frustrated, and rightfully so, the least Cal could do for him was be respectful of that. But moments later she felt his hand smooth over her thigh and tug. So, she rolled to her other side to hook a leg over his torso and settle her cheek against his arm.

"Goodnight Cal," Matthew whispered, pulling her tight against him briefly.

"Goodnight Mattie." She murmured, rubbing her fingers lightly against the fabric of his shirt.