Aftermath

16

Fucking Rowan. It will always come back to fucking Rowan.

Cal burst through the front door and headed down the street. Her breath was coming in frantic gasps, she could feel a cool numbness settling in her bones. Her steps were urgent but disheveled as she stumbled down the sidewalk quickly. You'd never do that to me, right?

"Stop it" Cal mumbled running her hands through her hair. She yanked her jacket closer to her body. She could hear distant shouts from Matthew calling her name. Right Cal, you'd never do that to me?

"Stop," She urged. She couldn't breathe, her chest was heaving but there was no sufficient oxygen getting to her body. Her feet kept moving her forward, as if on autopilot. Tears trailed down Calpurnia's face. She stumbled over a dip in the concrete and her knees hit the ground with a thud. Cal, you wouldn't! The heels of her hands were bloodied from the grit of the concrete.

"Fucking stop!" She screamed pushing herself back up off the ground but she only made it a few more steps before she met the ground again, this time she stayed down, crawled over to the wall of the building she was in front of, and slammed her back into the exterior.

...

"You'd never do that to me, right Cal?" Rowan glanced up from her phone to give her a questioning look. Calpurnia felt anxiety bubbling up in her stomach but swallowed and nodded.

"No, I wouldn't." She tried to sound convincing but she wasn't sure she had even convinced herself. Cal looked down at her lap trying to escape Rowan's intense gaze.

"Dating your best friend's brother is like number one no-no or girl code or something." Rowan looked back down at her phone as if this was a totally casual conversation for her, Cal did not feel the same. "But dating your best friend's twin is like a next-level no-no." Calpurnia nodded quickly when Rowan glanced up at her again.

"Right, of course" she insisted and looked away again.

"Hand me the controller," Rowan said, finally dropping the topic of her and Matthew, "let's watch a movie!"

Cal nodded and handed her the remote before standing up from the couch.

"I'm going to go pee, want something while I'm upstairs?"

"Yeah grab some snacks, surprise me," Rowan said, already immersed in reading through their movie options.

Cal walked into the pantry after she'd finished in the bathroom, and began scanning the snack options. Just as she was about to pick up the popcorn off the shelf  Matthew peaked around the door into the pantry at her.

"Sorry, I was just grabbing the popcorn." She held it up as proof as she slipped out the door so he could get what he needed. He stopped her with a hand around her waist. "Matthew..." she warned him pushing his hand away with her free one.

"She is being unfair, and you know it" he insisted but held his hands up in mock surrender. Cal didn't know how to answer. It sure felt unfair to her but also Rowan had feelings and they deserved to be respected too.

"It wouldn't be fair to ignore her feelings either." She hung her head to escape the pull of Matthew's dark eyes.

"Hey," he whispered but she didn't look up, she wasn't ready. "Callie," he stepped closer and placed her head between his palms, "look at me." Her green eyes found his brown ones and he softened his brow.

"We can't, we just can't." She said exasperated and he pressed a kiss to her forehead. Then the tip of her nose. She could feel the tug of war beginning. She squeezed her eyes shut. The conflict of interest was too close and personal to remain moral. When his lips met hers she froze. His thumb stroked the skin in front of her ear, and finally, she kissed him back. Her hand gripped a fistful of his shirt. Before she could register what was happening she heard Rowan gasp.

"What the fuck" Rowan yelled looking between the two of them. "Get out." She was looking directly at Cal when she said that. Her expression was cold and hard.

Calpurnia didn't even glance at Matthew, hoping to minimize damage, passed Rowan, and walked out the front door.

"Stop. Stop. Stop..." Calpurnia could hear herself repeating like a prayer. As if the only thing keeping her here, keeping her grounded, was the repetition of those words. Her body was heavy, her head was foggy. It felt like she'd been run over. But worst of all, the unmistakable churn of dread in the deepest parts of her. The nauseating grime pooled in her stomach.

She made her way home when the worst of it had passed. Calpurnia felt, for the first time in a long time, the severity of the situation. It was like all parts of her had been scooped out, leaving a shell behind. As she opened the door to her apartment, the stillness and the silence met her like a bucket of ice water.

Calpurnia operated as if she were programmed. She mechanically pulled off her shoes and hung her coat. Then changed into pajamas and threw her dirty clothes in the hamper. She slid into bed and pulled the covers up over her body. Her hands still shook, a residual symptom of her panic attack. She rolled onto her side and curled her knees to her chest.

The night passed slowly. Calpurnia stayed awake, eyes glazed, staring at the bubbles in the paint on the wall. By the time the sun peeked through the window, Matthew hadn't come home. For the first time in months, she regretted not having a phone. It wasn't that she couldn't afford one still, but she hadn't thought about needing one until now. Not until Matthew was somewhere she didn't know how to find him.

She had to work at the coffee shop with Megan that day. It dragged on slowly. They barely had any customers, most of it was spent cleaning, and idly wiping counters, cleaning brewers, and mindless tasks. Cal was anxious to get home. She hoped Matthew would be there when she got back. But when she did, he wasn't there.

She spotted a paper on the island and hurried into the kitchen. The police station called, I'll be back around 4. That was all it said. She looked up at the stove and read the time. 4:01. She should expect him home any minute then. But time crawled, and still he didn't show. By 8 pm Calpurnia was done waiting and donned her coat in pursuit of the police station.

Upon arrival, she found out she was going to be bailing him out. It wasn't explained why, but she offered up the money to the clerk and waited anxiously to see him. Her breath was shallow and unsatisfying to her lungs. She just needed to see his face, and then she could breathe easier.