Aftermath

39

Cal jumped when her phone rang and quickly snatched it from beside her on the couch. She didn't have to look at the caller ID to know who it was. All she did was click the green button and hold the phone up to her ear heaving a sigh of relief.

"Hi, baby." He hummed on the other end and she closed her eyes clutching a hand to her heart. "I just landed, can I call you when I get to my place?" She nodded for a moment before realizing he couldn't see her.

"Yeah, that's great." Cal's voice was slightly shaky but nowhere near as bad as she had expected it to be. She fiddled with her ring idly.

"Talk soon, Callie."

"Talk soon, Mattie." Her phone dropped to her chest. She twisted the ring on her finger more aggressively than before as she waited, not too patiently for the phone to ring again. And though it felt like it took a year, it was probably really only 45 minutes. She jumped when it rang again, startling her from her thoughts.

"Tell me how the appointment went today?" His tone was questioning, but she knew he wouldn't push if she didn't want to talk about it.

"It was good, mostly."

"Do you still think you don't get along with Dr. Frier?"

"I think it's less a matter of getting along, and more a matter of not feeling understood."

"Can you give me a better idea of what you mean?"

"It just feels like most times, I can't articulate how I feel adequately, and in turn, that feels like I am hindering my chances at getting better." She heard a shuffling on his end of the phone and imagined him switching the phone to his other ear while he worked on his laptop. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sitting on the couch in the living room."

"Me too." She could nearly feel him beside her, if she tensed her body against the couch just right she could almost pretend it was him. A long silence lapsed between them, the only sound you could hear was the slight static hum from the call and their breathing rattling the speakers once in a while.

"I think," he said, breaking the spell, "in regards to the appointment, that it's not as obvious as you think it to be." Cal slid her hands down her thighs and positioned herself to better listen. "I think the more you go, the more you'll learn, and as a result of that, you'll learn more about yourself." She didn't respond, trying to take the words in and piece together what he meant.

"I'm not sure I understand."

"What I'm saying is I don't know that everyone or anyone will ever be able to fully relate or understand you, because we as individuals are unique. But I think there are things to be learned that will help you understand yourself. I think once you learn those you'll be able to apply them and you'll be better for it." He paused to allow her to speak, but when she didn't he continued. "I don't think you need Dr. Frier to explicitly understand you, for her to help you help yourself."

Cal thought back to the last few appointments she had and tried to pinpoint if she was learning anything. It was so much less obvious to her what she was learning than how Matthew made it seem. But, the more she thought, the more she realized she wouldn't have even known that she didn't feel understood by Dr. Frier if she hadn't been seeing her.

"Did I lose you?" Matthew ruffles around on the other end of the line and she could imagine him pulling the phone away to see if the call had dropped.

"I'm here."

"Good." There was a smile in his tone. The question she'd been desperately avoiding nagged at her incessantly. She lifted her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them.

"Callie?"

"Hmm?"

"Ask me." He always knew. She should know that by now.

"I'm afraid I won't like the answer."

"You can't always protect yourself from the truth. Sometimes you have to know the answer, even if it's hard to know."

"I don't know if I'm ready for this one." Her voice shook only slightly, but she was sure Matthew picked up on it. She hugged her legs tighter against her body.

"That's okay. You can ask whenever you're ready." Calpurnia glanced at the clock and realized they'd been on the phone for much longer than the few minutes it felt like.

"Do you need to go?"

"No, I'm going to just rest tonight, and start packing tomorrow morning." She nodded of course he wasn't going to start right away. He hadn't even landed until after 10 pm.

"Shall I let you go to bed?" She hoped her voice didn't sound as tight as it did to her, they barely made it past the lump in her throat.

"Baby..." Matthew's words were slow and his tone was somber.

"I'm sorry I-" she cut the sentence off, choking out a tense breath. "I just miss you." She finished.

"Go lay down in bed." Cal had avoided her room since he had left earlier that afternoon but hesitantly followed his instruction. When she was settled she picked the phone back up.

"Okay."

"Put me on speakerphone and close your eyes." She again did as she was told and after a moment he spoke again. "All set?"

"Yeah"

"I'm going to put you on speakerphone while I get ready for bed."

She listened as he ran the water and brushed his teeth. Then as he rifled through the cabinets until he found the cup he wanted to fill with water for bed. She forgot for a moment he wasn't there, about to get in bed beside her. When the sound had settled down on the other end, she fought the urge to open her eyes again.

"Do you need to go?" She whispered, it felt nearly impossible to break the silence that had covered them.

"No, I won't hang up until after you're asleep." Calpurnia was eager for the morning, and the distraction of work and the distance from their apartment being void of him.

"Goodnight. I love you." the words came out so softly they tickled her lips slightly. Surprisingly her body was growing heavy, she could feel the edges of sleep pulling her.

"Goodnight Callie, I love you."