Aftermath

19

My flight just landed. Can I see you? It had been 3 weeks, he hadn't returned any of her calls, but now he wanted to see her. She felt confused. But there was no chance she would deny him.

I'm at The Nook.

Cal went back to shelving books, trying to occupy herself as she anxiously awaited his arrival. Her head throbbed as she bent over and stood up repeatedly, finally she finished the box. As she broke it down to stack, she heard the jingle of the bells on the door. She flipped around so quickly that her vision went black, but she righted herself quickly. It was him standing inside the doorway.

He took quick strides to get to her before wrapping her in a bone-crushing hug. She looped her arms around his neck and squeezed him back. When he pulled away, she noted his eyebrows were furrowed, but he didn't explain.

She stepped back, allowing some space between them expecting him to say something. She didn't meet his eyes at first, but when he didn't speak, she looked up at him. He was staring at her, not in an expectant way, however, in what Cal would best describe as a museum look. Taking it all in as fast as you can, committing it to memory.

Calpurnia moved to lean against the countertop, her head hadn't ever hurt this bad before. Finally, she decided to offer up the first words of conversation.

"I can finish up here, and we can go talk at home?" Matthew refocused on her eyes and it took a moment, but he nodded, snapping himself out of the daze he seemed to be in.

"Yeah, okay." He said. Cal wondered if he still had his key, so she could send him there to wait so he didn't have to stand around while she finished up.

"You can wait at the apartment if you want, I'm sure you're exhausted from your trip." She could see the conflict on his face before the lines between his eyes softened and his face resolved.

"What if I go grab a shower, and then come back and get you?" He offered. She wondered if he planned to stay with her, she also wondered if she wanted that. Her feelings weren't quite clear to her in reality.

"Okay, yeah." She nodded, and when he made his way out the door without asking for a key, she didn't know how to feel. Calpurnia was convinced she didn't know much of anything anymore.

As she moved another round of boxes, a sharp pain shot through her skull and she stumbled clutching her head in her hands. Cal pulled herself up off the floor and brushed off her legs. The pain was causing static to form around the edges of her vision. She shook it off, hoping mind over matter would work in her favor, and forced herself to keep working.

When Matthew returned she had only been waiting a few minutes. Glad that he had showered quickly and come back to get her. She could have wept at the fact she didn't have to walk home as she slid into the passenger seat. The drive was short, and before she knew it she was home.

"Do you want tea?" He looked at her as she slid off her coat and shoes and he did the same.

"I'll make some, you go change." Cal smiled in thanks. After getting some clothes she decided maybe a shower would help, so she walked into the kitchen.

"I'm going to take a hot shower, I won't be long." Matthew looked at her and nodded. She thought she picked up on something behind his calm demeanor, but couldn't be too sure.

Her head was spinning as she stood under the stream of hot water. She allowed her shoulder to relax, but her head would not let up. A wave of nausea rolled over her but passed quickly. She washed her hair quickly and while the conditioner sat, massaged some soap on her body trying to relieve the ache settling into her skin and muscles. When she stood back up her vision doubled then went dark. Cal planted a hand on the wall of the shower.

"Matthew" she tried to call, but her voice came out barely a whisper. She sucked in a few breaths and tried again. "Matthew" was a little louder, but she still wasn't sure he would hear her. Her body sagged but she caught herself again.

"Cal?" She heard him knock lightly on the door. She couldn't keep herself up anymore and a small sigh escaped her lips as her visions blacked.

She wasn't out for long, but when she came to again Matthew had her out of the shower in his lap. His clothes were soaked underneath her and her limbs shook violently.

"Easy," he said, helping her stand and get the towel she had set out on the counter. He wrapped it around her and sat her on the toilet. "Let me look" a hiss escaped her lips when he pressed on a sore spot on her forehead.

She split open her head, not bad enough to need to be stitched up, but it bled quite a lot. He helped her slide on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt then got her some socks to help warm her up. She couldn't stop shaking. When they were in the living room on the couch, a hot tea in Cal's hand Matthew gave her a scary look.

"You have to tell me what's going on." He said pointedly. Calpurnia wasn't exactly sure what he wanted to hear. It was a quite loaded question from her perspective. "You're barely there, Calpurnia." He whispered as if he was afraid saying it louder would break her. Cal sucked in a breath at his words.

"I-" she didn't know what to say. It was something she had intended. "I don't know" she exhaled gently, setting down her tea on the floor and tucking her knees to her chest. "I think I'm messed up. Messed up so deeply I'll never be okay again, maybe." She kept her eyes off Matthew as the words tumbled out. "I don't even know how to be here." The last words came out so quietly that she wasn't sure he would even be able to hear them.

There was a stretch of silence that felt so tense Cal thought she would choke. She fought her hands to stay put and not reach out. But more than anything she wanted to touch him. His hands, his face, his hair. She wanted one hand on reality at all times. For now, she kept them to herself.

"I can't keep doing this." Matthew's voice was tight and cracked towards the end. "I can't keep loving you and thinking you love me back." She snapped her head up to look at him and he looked into her eyes. "I know it's not simple, and I don't think there is a right or wrong thing to do. But damn it, Cal," he grabbed her hands in his, "I can't keep losing you." There were tears on his cheeks.

"I don't know what to do Mattie, and it's killing me." She pulled herself closer to him, unable to fight it anymore. "She was so mad at me when she went to that party." Matthew pulled back so he could see her face.

"This is not your fault."

"But it is. She would've listened to both of us. If she wasn't mad. If she hadn't walked in on us kissing, she would've listened and stayed home and she wouldn't be dead!" Calpurnia was nearing a shout as she said these words. Words she had never spoken aloud before. Hot tears streamed down her cheeks. "It's my fucking fault your sister is dead. You can't love me because it's my fault." Matthew pulled her into him again. "I'll never forgive myself for being so selfish."

"Baby, it isn't your fault. Rowan did what she wanted. She always did." His fingers brushed her hair behind her ear gently. "She had no right to treat you the way she did after she saw us. She was always so unreasonable with you." He shushed Cal's cries for a moment before he said one last thing. "She's gone, that doesn't mean you're betraying her again. Okay?"

Cal choked on a sob as it wrenched from her throat like a scream. She grasped at his back desperate for relief. She had never heard such an animalistic cry come from anyone. He held her tight against him, trying to calm her agony. Calpurnia felt like her whole body was on fire, her lungs begged for air.

...

Eventually, her cries dampened and her body sagged against Matthew's. His arms snug around her and his cheek pressed onto the top of her head. She had fistfuls of the back of his shirt. Her knuckles were surely white.

"Callie," she faintly heard Matthew whisper, "let's go to bed." He moved to stand and Cal stood with him and followed him into her room. They both got in bed and pulled the covers up over themselves. Once Matthew was settled she scooched over to press her back to his chest, he draped an arm over her waist. They were quiet for a long time before Cal spoke.

"Mattie," she wasn't even sure if he was awake, but he nuzzled her head as he repositioned and hummed a response so she knew he was awake. She didn't say anything else.