Aftermath

26

Calpurnia was jostled awake when Matthew stood out of bed and walked out of the room. Her eyes fluttered closed but when she heard the shower turn on she snapped them open again. She made effort to make noise so Matthew heard her enter and avoid scaring him. 

"I didn't mean to wake you." He stuck his head out of the curtain. 

"Are you sick?" Cal couldn't figure out what could've possessed him to get up and shower in the middle of the night. He shook his head, before pulling the curtain shut again. 

"I woke up sweaty so I just wanted to rinse off." Cal shifted her weight back against the sink counter. 

"Matthew is-" he cut her off before she could finish.

"I had a messed up dream. I just needed to shake it off."  She sucked her lips into her mouth as he spoke. She wished she could see his face. The water shut off and the curtain screeched against the metal rod as he pulled it open. Cal pulled a clean towel from the shelf beside her and slid from the countertop. He started to protest but she shook her head and wrapped the towel around his hips before circling her arms around his waist. 

"Is it off?" she asked against his chest.

"Hmm?" she could hear the confusion in his voice. 

"The dream, is it gone? Did you shake it off?" She moved her hands to his hips. "Or," she gave him a nudge, "do we need to do better?" He relaxed and let her shake him up a little letting a chuckle fall from his lips. 

"I think you've shaken it off," his lips pressed into her hair, "thank you." 

"You've been having a lot of them."

"Callie..." there was a plea in his tone, but he spoke again. "I'm okay, it'll pass." He inhaled deep pulling her closer as he did. Then, abruptly pulled away so he could smile at her. "Let's go back to bed, it's late. I was hoping not to wake you." Cal's hand reached out to his face, her thumb finding the corner of his mouth where a droplet of water had settled. He closed his eyes and leaned his weight into her hand just slightly. 

"I think you're so beautiful, Matthew Moreno." She whispered letting her thumb graze across his skin and stepping closer to him. Cal kissed his cheek where her thumb had been, relishing in the way his hands moved to hold her closer. The tension in bicep, his fingertips pressing in firmly into her skin. Her own hands trailed over him, up his arms squeezing his muscles, over his shoulders, into his hair. "The most beautiful man I have ever seen." The words were a whisper on his bare skin, her fingers toyed with the damp curls on the back of his neck. 

Neither of them spoke for a long while, they didn't move either until Cal began to shiver from the wetness that had seeped into her clothes. Wordlessly they left the bathroom, she changed into dry pajamas while he dressed in clean ones. 

"Tell me about something you've never told me." Matthew was the first to speak. Cal nearly laughed out loud, she had to stop herself from claiming he knew everything there was to know about her. Sure it was hard to hide her emotions from him, but that didn't mean he had any way of knowing things she didn't tell him. 

"My dad left a note when he walked out on us. It said some bullshit stuff about how he wasn't happy anymore. Not that it was a secret, they had been fighting for years. But in the end, he wrote me a note too. Just a few sentences. He said it was too hard to see me and not see the ugliness in me. The traits from my mother that had broken them up. After mom read that she never treated me the same." She winced as she remembered him addressing her by the nickname she'd gotten when she was a baby. "I love you always, Shakespeare, but I can't do it anymore." 

"Shakespeare?" Matthew questioned. 

"Calpurnia is a name from one of his plays. That's what they called me when I was little. I hated it even before that letter. But when I read it at the end, I was disgusted by it." Matthew was quiet beside her. Both of them prone on their backs, staring at the ceiling. "What about you?" She asked when the quiet had grown too heavy again. 

"In the weeks before we moved to the valley, after Rowe and I found out, I acted like such a brat. I got into trouble at school, I tormented Rowan, I just caused chaos because I didn't want to leave." He sought her hand with his, running it over the sheets until his skin grazed hers, then held it lightly. "Then we moved in, and I saw you on your bike, you and Rowan became best friends in what felt like 2 seconds, then we all started playing in the empty rooms of the new house. When you left I felt overcome with such guilt, I told my parents I was sorry for being a jerk, and that I had already made a friend. I was so nervous I wouldn't make any new friends. You were more than I could've asked for." His fingers squeezed hers lightly. "After two weeks of knowing you, I told my dad I was in love with you and swore him to secrecy. I don't even think I knew what that kind of love was, but I could feel it was big, fierce, and powerful."

Calpurnia felt an unexpected tear slip down her cheek. His love for her had always been so simple and pure. He loved her and that was that. She had always felt so jealous of that. Jealous that he could love so freely and not have a weight hanging over him. 

"Don't cry," he moved into her side, untangling their fingers to brush the tear off her cheek.

"I'm sorry, I don't know where it's coming from honestly." Cal lifted her arms to her face and allowed herself a moment behind them to compose herself, before letting them fall in her lap again. "I hate that I can't tell you something like that" she whispered. His hand found her thigh and squeezed firmly. "I hate that all I can say is I was too scared to love you back." 

"That isn't true though. You loved your best friend so dearly. So passionately that you were willing to sacrifice your desires for her.  That's admirable. That isn't cowardly."

"I loved you then, I just didn't know how to let myself feel it. I know I did, I was at war with myself." A fresh round of tears found their way down her cheeks. 

"Sweetheart," his hand found her chin and lifted it until she looked him in the eyes. "That's enough for tonight." Calpurnia nodded in his hold and situated herself against her pillow. Matthew laid next to her so close their noses nearly touched. He lifted his chin and she tucked her head slightly to press her forehead into his kiss. The room was quiet.