Aftermath

38

The door was locked when she got to her place, and after patting her pockets she realized she must not have been the one to lock the door when they left. So she sat on the steps, arms curled around her knees, and waited. It may have taken minutes or hours, but eventually, Matthew walked up the path and stopped in front of her.

"Jesus, Cal." She stood and dusted off the back of her pants. "Let's go in." he nodded and lead the way to unlock the door. As soon as they made it upstairs she went to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine from the rack on her way through to the bathroom. The door slammed behind her and she clicked the lock before sitting on the edge of the tub silently praising herself for keeping a corkscrew in the bathroom for when she took baths.

"Calpurnia," she didn't listen for the rest of his sentence before turning the water on and plugging the tub so it began to fill. She took a swig of wine as she turned on the exhaust fan and sink. Then undressed quickly swallowing more wine when she'd finished.

"Cal, open the door." Her bottle was more empty than full when the tub had filled halfway, she stepped in numbly letting the scalding water prickle her skin. The back of her head was sticky with sweat from the heat in the bathroom, as she pressed it against the tile wall. Another few swallows of wine and she'd drained the bottle. A bang on the door rattled the wall behind her.

"Open the fucking door, Cal." She pressed her fingers into her ears hard, drowning out the ruckus on the other side of the door with the rumble of her heartbeat. "Calpurnia" his voice made its way to her ears even still. She huffed, took in a deep breath, and slid her head beneath the surface of the water until it rested on the bottom of the tub. The slamming grew to a cacophony of noise, and she squeezed her eyes shut and brought her hands back to cover her ears again. She had nearly run out of breath before she lifted herself above the water, gasping in lungfuls of air. When she opened the door to the bathroom Matthew stood outside the door in hysterics, yelling profanities.

"I just wanted to take fucking bath," she said deadpanned and kept walking until she made it to their room and dressed in pajamas. They went to bed that night facing away from each other. Matthew fell asleep after an hour, soft, heavy breaths filling the silence in the room. For the second time that night, Cal realized she'd been crying. This time no one was there to interrupt them, and they continued gliding down her cheeks for hours. She made no move to wipe them. She didn't move at all in fact. She laid there all night curled onto her side, cheek pressed into the pillow, shoulder, and hip aching. In the early hours of the morning, a realization drew the first words of the day from her lips.

"I'm a fucking curse." Matthew stirred from beside her and groggily turned over.

"What?"

"I'm a fucking curse," Cal said again, unmoving.

"I can't hear you, Cal." He said moving again to lean over her shoulder. "Say it again."

"I am a fucking curse." Matthew's face morphed in front of her, the realization of her words striking his face too quickly for him to hide it.

"Cal-"

"No. I am. My dad left, I look so much like him that my mom hated me. Then, my best friend died, and I fucked her brother after. Now my mom is dead, and I hadn't spoken to her in months. I don't even know how." She remained still, the tears still slipping from her eyes, as she spoke. "I am a curse." Her breath caught at the end and a shudder went through her body.

"Shhh, it's okay," Matthew said pulling her into him. She felt herself clawing at his arm gasping for air, but she couldn't fill her lungs. "I got you, it's okay." He said again lightly rocking her and rubbing a hand roughly against her thigh. Cal's face vibrated with the effort she was using to take in air, but it came in short quick gulps. "Cal..." he choked on his words pressing his lips against her skull. "It's okay, baby." She went limp against him when she felt a tear fall from his cheek onto hers. "It's okay," he repeated, "shhh, it's okay." He rocked gently whispering to her on a loop until she fell asleep clinging to his arms holding her against him, tears mingling with his on her cheeks.

...

Calpurnia jerked awake sometime later startling Matthew, still holding her.

"You're okay, it's just me," he said squeezing tighter to calm her down. She pushed his arms until she could readjust and bury her face into his chest.

"Mattie..." she felt like her heart was shattering. He didn't respond right away, instead, he smoothed the back of her hair with his hand. "Mattie?" she said again, this time so quiet she wasn't sure he would ever hear.

"Yeah?" he said. His tone was even but soft as he spoke. Her hands fisted the fabric of his shirt desperate for relief from whatever this emotion was that felt like it would suffocate her.

"I feel like I'm going to die." Matthew's fingers spread across her back pressing her firmly against him. "I'm so sorry." He didn't speak, so after a moment of silence, she spoke again. "I love you, Mattie."

"I love you too, Cal"

"No you have to say it," she whispered feeling tears well in her eyes instantly. He kept his grip firm on her. "Please," she begged him pushing away from his chest and leaning up to look him in the eye. Her green eyes searched his brown ones. He looked back, his eyes dark and so sad. "Say it, Mattie," She kissed his lips, but he didn't kiss back. "No." she cried grabbing his cheeks between her hands roughly, kissing him harder. "Please, please, please." She pleaded against his lips.

"Cal-" She fell back away from him as he sat up.

"I can't!" She screamed. "I can't fucking do this, you can't fucking do this to me. Fuck Matthew. Please don't do this to me, I will not survive it."

"It's not healthy, we aren't healthy. Can't you see that?"

"I don't care!" she yelled throwing her hands in the air. "You make me crazy, but I have never felt anything so intense in my life." She pointed harshly in his direction. "I love you, and I know you love me so please," her voice cracked, she stopped, took a breath, and tried again, "Jesus Christ, please don't do this." He stared at her, his eyes wild.

"I love you, Matthew, I have always loved you and I can't fucking ever stop." She lifted his hands to her lips and pressed so hard, she was sure it would bruise. His mouth moved from hers and paused on her cheek only slightly before he began to kiss a line along her jaw and down her neck.

"I don't know where I've been." Her hand found its way into his hair holding his face to her neck.

"You've been with me." His words vibrated against her throat.

"I'm so terrified, I feel sick." Matthew's thumbs brush against a strip of exposed skin at the edge of her shirt. She gripped his curls tighter, holding him closer to her neck. "Please don't hate me." Matthew shook his head lightly.

"I couldn't ever." He whispered, kissing her collarbone. He pulled back, adjusting them to be face to face, his hands holding hers against his chest.

"Please don't leave me." His eyes shut and his lips quivered only slightly before he opened them again. Glossy and brown.

"I couldn't ever."