Sweet Desire

07 Numb

With the speed of a snail, I opened the door and stepped into my father's dark study, delaying the moment as much as possible.

My insides clenched, an unpleasant shiver went through my body. I wasn't ready.

This time, he hadn't been at home for almost two months, and I got used to his absence, to living a relatively peaceful life. Why had he come back exactly at this time and ruin everything?

Winter. I hoped she'll leave the house before my father finishes his doings with me. First, I didn't want her to hear anything and second, he can do something to her too. It has already happened to my friend when I was little and made a mistake of bringing her to the house. After that, she never had any contact with me again, and it seemed like her family moved away spontaneously altogether.

My father sat on the chair with his palms clasped and elbows resting on the desk. As always the curtains were drawn and the only source of light was a little desk lamp. Still, I was able to see countless icons shining on the wall. His study always made me want to vomit.

He glared at me from under his bushy eyebrows. "Where are your manners?"

"I apologize." I quickly bowed 90 degrees.

"I don't recall letting you bring anyone to the house... or do you think that since I was gone you could do anything you want?" His voice was calm, but experience has taught me not to trust it.

"No, of course not. She only came here to play piano, because the school closed we didn't have a place to practice," I explained reluctantly.

My father forbade me from bringing anyone home, and I usually didn't, but today—I didn't expect him to show up so suddenly, he was supposed to be gone for months.

"Ah, yeah, that poor transferee girl who pretends to be rich," he said. "How could you even think of bringing this nastiness into my house, I forbid you to mingle with her."

What is he saying about Winter? It both surprised and annoyed me, but I kept my look unbothered.

"The teacher picked us to compete at the piano competition, so I'm forced to talk to her and I only do it during the practices."

"It better be true." He stared at me intently. Then pulled out a bottle of whiskey from the drawer, poured it into a shot glass, and set it down on the table without touching it. Long silence followed.

In this silence, I heard the front door slam. Knowing that Winter was no longer there, I felt a bit at ease, at least our relationship is safe for now. She didn't get to know what kind of monster my bellowed father was.

"Well," he said thoughtfully, taking a sip of whiskey. "If I find out you're up to your old ways again, I'll send you straight to the monastery. I don't need a defective daughter."

Old ways? Defective? Is he referring to the time I made out with the maid's daughter right at our family gathering? But I just couldn't help myself, she was too attractive, and I was fifteen with raging hormones.

Or the time he caught me with my hand in the girl's underwear when I was seven? But she asked why her parents were moaning so loudly every night...

And my father also was forgetting that I'm no longer seven or fifteen. The older I become, the more control he loses over me.

I huffed. And only after I have already done this, realized.

"What was that?" He abruptly stood up. A glass of whiskey was knocked over, the liquid spilled over the table and onto the floor. "Do you think it's just empty words? Then you're utterly mistaken, I can do it right at this exact moment and there's nothing you can do against it, not even your mother will help you."