Your Smile In Our Long Drive [BOYXBOY]

10th Kilometer

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Having Asher in my life right now is a blessing in disguise. 

Kahit papaano ay natutulungan niya akong huwag maging malungkot sa tuwing magkasama kaming dalawa. When I am with him, I am at ease. Ramdam ko talaga na ligtas ako kapag kasama ko siya. That I don't need to worry too much on what might happen. He will always make sure that I am okay, how I am, and offering some help that sometimes, I didn't ask for. Nakatutuwang isipin na ang suwerte-suwerte ko pala sa kanya. And at some point also, naalala ko ulit iyong taong minahal siya noon nang sobra.

Na kung bakit niya sinayang ang katulad ni Asher. And now I can clearly see the reason. But still, hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit.

Being with Asher for how many months, I can say that he's the person that you wished for. He will always take care of you, and always make sure that you are okay. That there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable with him, instead he allows you to venture all of your burdens to him. He was just there, listening to you until you are okay again.

That you feel better.

And that is what I really appreciate about him. At ang rason kung bakit ko siya nagugustuhan pa nang husto.

Especially how his smile radiates my life right now.

Sa tuwing nakikita ko 'yon, wala akong ibang maramdaman at naiisip kundi ang maging masaya. At makalimutan nang panandalian ang mga problemang kinakaharap ko. 

Ang lungkot na minsan ay ayokong maramdaman. 

At ang pakiramdam na nangungulila ka nang hindi mo alam ang dahilan, at kung para saan.

Minsan, naisip ko...paano kung hindi siya dumating ngayon sa buhay ko? Paano kung hindi kami nagkita noon sa daan? Magiging ganito pa rin ba ako? Kami? Ang daming bagay ang bumabagabag sa akin minsan kahit pa sabihin niyang huwag akong masyadong mag-overthink sa mga bagay-bagay. Dahil lalamunin din naman ako no'n sa huli.

But how can I stop overthinking, when there's fear lurking inside of me? A fear that I don't know what for. Maybe the fear of being left? Fear of being neglected? I just...don't know. Kahit pa ilang beses niyang ipinaparamdam sa akin ang assurance na magiging okay din ang lahat, still, it doesn't decrease the count.

Ito ang mahirap kapag nagmahal ka't isa ka rin sa mga taong grabe mag-isip nang kung ano-ano. Hindi porke't hindi ka na naniniwala sa taong mahal mo, e hindi ibig sabihin no'n ay wala ka ng tiwala sa kanya. It's just that...it's the situation and the future that it is hard to believe. And to be at ease.

Lalo na at nanggaling ka pa sa isang pamilyang ipinaramdam sa 'yo't hindi mo na alam kung paano ka ulit magtitiwala nang buo. Kasi sila ang unang bumasag sa puso't tiwala mo, e. They are the one who made you feel of being alone for a long time. And now that you found someone who's making you feel that he is now your home, you don't know when you will let your guards down again.