another pretty december | b.e

forty

not yall calling me mommy

anyways please don't attack me for these edits....I hate them too LMAO

epilogue

genuinely don't think there's anything worse than a long distance relationship.

I am exhausted.

and I don't know how harry and august do it so effortlessly.

they make it work and have done but billie and I are struggling.

it's been eighteenth months of torture.

and you might be thinking, what the fuck eighteen months?

I know, it's been fucking intense.

so when I got back to the uk, I spent a week at home before I was flying straight to la where I stayed with billie for two months.

we both worked, wrote music, filmed music videos and I had so many opportunities to appear in magazines and on american tv shows.

ive had the opportunity to meet so many amazing celebrities and people not to mention the memories ive been making with billie.

and we've been making a lot of memories.

it was amazing just to have the opportunity to wake up beside her every morning and most of the time, not have to leave the house for anything.

we baked, we danced, we watched movies, swam in her pool, played dress up, did each other's makeup and spent every waking moment we possibly could with each other.

it was perfect.

and then two months later, I got a phone call.

the phone call which tore my heart in two.

I rushed straight home and straight to the hospital where I stayed at my mothers bedside in intensive care for two weeks.

I watched my mother die.

and I became an empty shell of myself.

harry came home and looked after me, stood beside me at the funeral and forced me to get out  of bed.

ive never felt pain like it.

I stopped talking to billie completely because I didn't want to hurt her.

harry kept her updated and they were constantly in contact but I didn't want her to see how heartbroken I was.

after a month of no contact with billie she came over to the uk and surprised me.

we stayed in bed and she held me while I cried, bathed me, learnt how to look after my hair and never made me feel bad for ghosting her.

she spent time with my family while we shared memories and she even visited my mothers grave with me.

I just really wish that billie met my mother.

they'd spoken over the phone and had texted a lot but there's nothing better than one of my mothers big hugs.

over the next few months I started rebuilding myself and I eventually went back to la and had an amazing time with billie, rather than lying there crying over my mum, I woke up grateful for every moment I had her.

I never forgot about her and there was moments all I could think about was my mum.

the grief doesn't disappear, life just becomes easier to live with the pain.