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Chapter 44

Harry's pov

I was at war with myself. My thoughts made me sick and I could not get rid of them. I cried silently as I rocked Matthew back and forth in my arms. He had fallen asleep hours ago, but I was wide awake. I felt terrible for leaving Louis on that train alone, but I would have only made things worse if I had stayed. I could not risk Louis's safety for my own wants, of course, Louis wanted me to stay too but I couldn't put him in harms way again.

I hated that Matthew was on the middle of all this mess. But, what made it better was that he didn't even know it. Sure, he noticed his daddy was not there, but then he would forget and smile at me. He could smile, laugh, play, and not have a care in the world. I envied the felicity a child could posses and give to others. Matthew was like sunshine on a rainy day, he could make anything better with just his gummy smile. And he looked happy even in his sleep, he looked peaceful. He reminded me so much of my parents because of his happiness. It's hard to believe that Matthew has neither mine or Louis's DNA. He has my curls, Louis's face, but he has Audrey's eyes. I saw Audrey every time I looked at Matthew, I saw Louis every time Matthew laughed, and I saw myself every time he was confused and pulled at his hair. I have not done very well with my life since I got on this train. The only good decision I made was falling for Louis. I was not going to mess up with Matthew, I vowed that I would be the best father to him. And I vowed that I would be the best husband for Louis. I would never forgive myself if I let them down.

When six am rolled around, I laid Matthew back in his makeshift crib, wrote a note for Martha, and walked out the door. I did not want her to know when I left because I knew she would worry. Of course, she will still worry, but at least now she won't make me feel bad for making her worry. I walked through the streets, breathing in the dew soaked air, and admiring the soft glow the sun gave the town. It was cool outside for April and I was thankful for that. It did not take me long to reach the circus train and, as I suspected, everyone was bustling about to prepare for the show. I saw Richard dragging Louis by a rope to the showgirl's tent. Louis looked worse than yesterday, his eye was barely open and his arms sported more bruises and rope burns.

I pulled my hair up into a bun and put a cap on over it to disguise myself. I quickly made my way to the supply car where I knew Niall, Liam, and Zayn would be waiting. I entered the car and shut the door behind me, I looked around but I did not see anyone. "Guys?" I whispered, no response. "Li? Zayn? Niall?" I walked forward to see if they were hiding in the dark corners.

"Harry?"

"Jesus!" I exclaimed and stumbled to a fall. Liam stood above me laughing so hard he held his belly. "You scared the shit out of me!" I whined.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it!" His laugh bellowed through the car until he realized he was being too loud and quieted down. "I'm sorry, mate." He apologized as he grabbed my hand and pulled me up.

I dusted off my clothes, still a little peeved at Liam. "Where are the others?" I asked.

"They left to hide the all animal's food." He stated. I gave him a strange look.

"Why?" I assumed it was part of the plan that never actually got planned, but I wasn't sure.

"We decided that we could let the animals out during the show. And the reason Zayn and Niall are hiding the animal's food is so the animals will be hungry when we release them." He explained.

"Just don't release Rex and Luna." I warned him. "That's dangerous for everyone." I secretly wished we could release them, but I did not want to put innocent people in danger.

"We know. We're not going to." Liam sighed. It sounded like he wanted to let them out too, they would certainly do some damage. "So, the show starts in a couple hours. I suggest you get Louis and get out of here as soon as possible."