Big Top

Chapter 18

Have you ever sat back, looked at your life and wondered: How did I get here?

I have many times. Not necessary looking at everything in a bad light. Everything about being on this train is either a pro or con. My cons being: Richard on my back about doing things his way and only his way, the knowledge that I could die at any moment with the snap of Richard's fingers. My pros being: I have met some great people, people that I have grown to love. And my Louis, if I had never gotten on this train I wouldn't have met him. Although, fate has its ways of putting the right people together.

I often wonder what would have happened to me if I hadn't gotten on the train. Probably walk my way to Albany, found work, met a cute girl and married her, had a few kids and lived happily ever after. Well, I don't want any of those things. I don't want a cute girl, I want my beautiful Louis; I don't want to marry a girl, I want to marry Louis. I don't want to have kids with a woman, I want to have kids with Louis. And maybe I don't want the ordinary happily ever after. I want my own happily ever after with Louis — and let's face it, it will be far from ordinary, but it will be beyond great.

All I can think of most days is our future together. I'm always afraid something will go wrong or someone will find out about us. It scares me to my very core. But I have to be strong for Louis, I am the only one who can be strong for him now. The responsibility is a really big one but I would do absolutely anything for Louis. The days seem to feel longer the more we travel. Today we we're stopping somewhere in Texas and it was terribly hot. Just going outside made me sweat a bit.

It has been a few weeks since the incident with Louis, and I cannot express how thankful I am he forgave me. I didn't deserve his forgiveness, I frightened him so much that he thought I would hurt him. I still feel pretty rotten about it, but he always reassures me he forgives me. Between kisses and late night snogs he reminds me how much he loves me and I do the same. It hurts to think about what I would do without him. But after my parents died there was a moment I convinced myself to never love anyone again because in the end someone gets hurt. I was angry, angry at myself, angry at the world, just angry. But no matter how much I told myself no to love him the more I fell for him and now I can't say it enough to him. But I still worry about us all the time. The world is cruel and doesn't take well to change, but that is what Louis and I are—change. It's the change everyone is afraid to happen, defying the normal. I just don't want Louis to get hurt.

"Harry?" Zayn's voice snapped me from my thoughts, "You listenin', mate?"

"Yeah, yeah, sorry." I shook my head of the distracting thoughts and listened to him. We were currently getting ready for the next show and since a few more roustabouts had gone missing we had to fill in wherever we could. Although, the term missing doesn't really put the word dead to justice does it? We all know what happened to them, but Richard insists on the word missing.

"Ok, you know how to work the stage light?" He asked, his breath heavy from the mix of walking and the scorching sun on us.

"Not really. I've watched enough to know where to point though." I replied while wiping the nasty sweat from my forehead.

"Alright, good. Don't worry, working it isn't too difficult, I'll show you." We walked into the big top, where a few acts were rehearsing, and over to the big, bulky light. "Ok, all you gotta do is flip this switch on and off and you just move it where the acts are." He flipped the single black switch and the light illuminated the circus ring in front of us and he showed me how to move it.

"Seems simple enough." I said, taking a turn to move the heavy light, luckily all I had to do was tilt and rotate.

"Nothin' to it. Get some practice." He clapped his hands together and walked away. I must have sat there for hours following act after act. Everything from the sex teasers to the magicians to the clowns. See, the idea of the Tomlinson circus was a show to entertain the entire audience young and old. Of course for the more proactive performances the kids played outside. But Richard's idea was entertainment where no one got bored. Which is why this circus has the strip teases and the men only shows whereas other circuses have the shows only targeted to kids. Not this one. Of course none of the acts ever excited me very much...that is until it was Louis and Rosie. Their act was my absolute favorite. Watching them together just made my heart feel like it was on fire and all my insides were tingling. And it was impossible to wipe the stupid smile off my face. No one could tell Louis was afraid of heights, his face held no sign of fear. It was just him and Rosie out there ,nothing else mattered. It was also a relief that Louis and Rosie were the last act and now my arms could rest for awhile. I flipped off the light and Louis looked over and saw me. He smiled and made his way to me, leaving one of the showgirls to put Rosie away.