Big Top

Chapter 33

Matthew is now three months old, Louis shaved his lovely scruffle, and I have yet to cut my hair. My hair hasn't grown much since Matthew was born, it still remained at my shoulders. Life has been hard since Audrey died and it seems to have gotten harder in the last few weeks. Louis cries everyday and when he starts I end up crying with him. I try no to cry but I can't help it when I see Louis cry, his eyes get puffy and red, he starts breathing heavily, and his body will shake if he is crying hard enough. We don't only cry about Audrey, but for Matthew also. I think about his future and how it will affect him, growing up with two dads. We fear of losing him and Jean one day if someone found out about Louis and I. After my parents died, I cried so much the first few days that after that, I felt like I couldn't cry; it wasn't an emotional denial, I physically could not cry about them. I felt weak when I cried, like I was betraying myself. I wanted to be strong for Louis because Louis was already strong for me. He didn't complain about how much Richard mistreated him or how much he hated it here. We talked about it often, but he only spoke about it when I said something (not counting last month's incident). It helps Louis and I when we talk about things. It helps us help each other when we really talk about what's bothering us. I'm glad we can share things with each other Amd that we can be completely honest. We have little disagreements here and there, but overall we are happy. I know I will never stop loving Louis and I hope he will never stop loving me. Every chance I get to hold his hand, I rub my finger over his ring; my little reminder of forever. He swears to me he will get me a ring someday, but I will be content with or without a ring.

I love on mornings, like this one, when Louis pets my hair to wake me up. I love it when he plants soft kisses all over my face until I open my eyes. My heart swelled when he did those things this morning, I opened my eyes and there he was, just smiling and staring. "Morning, angel." He kissed my lips; another thing I loved about him - his lips.

"I thought you were my angel." I raised my eyebrow at him.

"We can both be angels." He held my face and kissed me again passionately. The kiss was still soft as he gripped my hair gently and slipped his tongue in my mouth.

We kissed for a while, longer than usual morning kisses. Sadly, I needed to breath, "Whoa, what did I do to deserve that?" I breathed.

"Just like kissing you." He blushed.

"I like kissing you too." I pulled him back down to slot our lips together.

"Mmm!" He hummed, "I can't even taste your morning breath." That made me stop.

"Ew." I simply stated, crinkling my nose.

"Oh, come on, you didn't have a problem with kissing me before." He complained.

"Yeah, but I wasn't thinking about morning breath then." I explained, petting his face and admiring the pout on his lips.

"I thought you liked kissing me."

"I love kissing you." I kissed the corner of his mouth, "But I'll love it even more after we brush our teeth.

"Oh! Fine!" He laughed and climbed off of me. After we both brushed our teeth we resumed our make out session, but as usual, Matthew interrupted us. We both have gotten used to being interrupted by now; we also don't get a lot of time to ourselves because of work. Show tickets have been selling great since winter is almost over and the weather is becoming warmer. I had never paid much attention to the towns we would travel to before, but after we found out Jean was in a little town in Kansas. Louis and I have been tracking the circus schedule to see when we will make our escape.

Since both Louis and I have had to work a lot recently, Martha has been keeping Matthew during the days. Louis and I haven't been sneaking off during the day since Matthew was born, but we did today. And that's how Louis had me pressed up to a tree where no one could see us, - not really woods or forest, but there are a lot of trees - my hands wrapped around his neck and his digging into my hips, snogging me fiercely. When I would run out of breath and pull away, he would only chase to my neck and collarbones to suck. "Louis, Louis, Louis, s-slow down." I tried calming him down. He paused for a minute and looked me in the eyes.