Big Top

Chapter 28

Louis's pov

"AUDREY!" Harry screamed as he tried CPR once more on her lifeless body. I sat to the side with tears streaming down my face and clutching the screaming baby to my chest. I was frozen, I wanted to help but I couldn't. I felt so helpless, like I could have done something. I kept telling myself that it was all a bad dream, that I was going to wake up in a few minutes and be where we were not too long ago — her, sleeping peacefully between Harry and I. I wanted all this to not be real so badly. I felt like someone just ripped out my heart and stopped on it until it was mush. I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit something, I wanted to punch someone, I wanted to break every rule I could. But, for what? It wouldn't bring her back, it would do me no good to defy everything because it wouldn't magically bring her back. No matter how much I prayed and pleaded for God to give her back He wasn't going to, but some part of me understood that He wasn't being cruel. There are people on this earth masquerading around as angels, Audrey was one of them and God just wanted to bring her home.

Harry kept trying to bring her back for nearly and hour before Martha wrapped her arms around him from behind and held him tightly to her chest. I saw the tears in her eyes too, "Harry," he tried squirming away but she wouldn't release, "Harry, baby, stop." She held him tightly until he stopped moving and just sobbed, "It's ok, shh....She's ok now." She rocked him back and forth and let him cry, she held him like she had me so many times before. The baby had stopped crying since all the noise stopped and I actually looked at him. It felt like I was looking at Audrey though, he looked like her so much. He was beautiful, as beautiful as anyone could be for being bald and pink, but he was perfect. It was amazing how right when I looked at him I wanted to give him all the love in the world. I wanted to be there for him always and never let him go. I wanted to watch him grow and help him through life's struggles as they came. I wanted to do it all for him.

"Matthew." I croaked out.

"W-what?" I heard Harry ask. I looked up and smiled at him, tears still sliding down my face.

"Matthew." I said again, looking down at the baby again. His name was Matthew, that's what Audrey wanted. I ran a finger over his soft cheek and cried some more. But, I wasn't sure if I was crying because I was sad or because I was happy. There were so many emotions running through my head that I didn't know which to choose so I just kept crying. Harry came to me and wrapped his arms around me, softly cuddling the baby between us. He pulled away and looked down at Matthew. He put his hand on the top of Matthew's head then leaned down to kiss him, dropping a few tears on the pink face in the process. He wiped the liquid off softly with his thumb and Harry smiled. I didn't know what to say, I felt like I shouldn't say anything.

"Louis, Harry," Martha spoke, "Why don't you two leave so I can clean her up, ok." She said. I didn't want to leave, but I got up anyway. Harry and I walked to the door and went out.

"We need to tell Richard." I only nodded and walked behind him. It felt so morbid to start thinking about a funeral so soon, but we had to bury her either today or tomorrow. I felt terrible thinking about it, I didn't want to. But when we made it to Richard's car we all had to talk about it.

Richard opened the door after I knocked a few times. He looked at my face, my eyes red and my cheeks tear stained, then he looked at Matthew. "Is that?" I nodded before he could finish, "Well, come on in." He said to us, I walked in and sat down on the sofa and Harry sat beside me. "How's a...um..." He didn't even remember her name, the bastard.

"Audrey." I spoke dryly.

"Audrey! There it is. Well, how is she, she doing good?" He asked happily.

"She's dead." It felt like my heart was ripped out again. It felt like I was accepting her death by actually saying it, and I didn't want to accept it.