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Chapter 35

Harry's pov

I grabbed him before I knew what I was doing. The only thing on my mind was Louis and Matthew and protecting them. He had already shot two other people before I grabbed him. I could smell the liquor on his breath and the dirty stench on his clothes. My body thought before my brain did, the adrenaline pumped through my veins. I was not going to letting anyone else get hurt by him, but less importantly, I was not going to die like that. Our hands fumbled together for purchase of the deadly weapon. I do not know how it happened or who pulled the trigger, but the gun went off and did not hit me. His blood splattered across my shirt, making me want to vomit. I looked in his eyes as he took his last breath and watched his face go pale as the life literally drained out of him. I looked the man I killed in the eyes as he died.

I suddenly shot up from the bed, instinctively turning to the bin and throwing up again. I was surprised I had anything left in my stomach. I wiped my month with the damp flannel Louis left for me and I took a deep breath. I looked to my right and saw Louis sleeping calmly beside me, his feathery hair messy and strewn across his forehead. His mouth was slightly agape allowing small breaths to go through. I stood up and walked into Matthew's room to check on him. I crouched beside his crib and there he was, breathing steadily and sleeping quietly. As I watched him lay there I started to break down and cry. I kept thinking about what I did, how Matthew didn't deserve a dad like me. Matthew deserved a dad who could say he had no regrets or had never done anything bad. I felt like a failure as a father, I hoped that Matthew could find it in his heart to forgive me some day. I cried silently, not wanting to wake up Matthew, but I must have woken up Louis because I felt his arms wrap around my bare shoulders. I just cried even more when Louis's lips traced the top of my shoulder to my neck. I did not know how he tolerated me, and also why he would kiss my sweaty and nasty body. "I don't deserve you." I whispered, not meaning for Louis to hear.

"Come back to bed so we can talk about this." He pleaded, his voice cracking. We both walked back to the bed and sat down facing each other.

"What's to talk about? I killed a man. I fought him for the gun...and it went off." I wiped the tears off my cheeks.

"Harry, you were defending yourself and you saved people from getting hurt." He placed his hand on my knee.

"He shot two roustabouts before I got out there." I stated dryly. "I didn't save them."

"Harry, there was nothing you could have done to save them." Louis grabbed my face and rubbed his thumb over my tear stained cheek, "It wasn't your fault."

"What if...W-what if that man had a family o-or relatives that cared about him." I cried.

"He was a drunk, he was probably some homeless man." Louis tried to calm me.

"That doesn't make it any better, it's still a life." I felt sick again just by my words and I surged for the bin to vomit again.

"Harry." Louis whimpered softly, rubbing my back soothingly. I felt disgusted by myself; I had no idea why Louis stuck around. "Baby, are you ok?" He asked as he kissed the middle of my back. I sighed at the gesture, but I shouldn't have because I didn't deserve it.

"No, I'm not ok." I cleaned my mouth then hugged him. I sobbed as he stroked the back of my sweaty head. He laid us both down, me slightly on top of him and him on his back. He knew I just needed to be held and loved on. Even though I didn't deserve any of his love I let him love me because I loved him too much to let him go. I held Louis down for my own selfish wants and that made me feel even worse. Sometimes it felt like all he did was pity me, sometimes I came off as desperate, but I was. I was desperate for Louis to love me. "I love you so much." Sniff, "I-I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you." I sobbed into his shoulder. I was slowly dozing off by Louis's soft strokes to my hair.