Big Top

Chapter 17

"Harry, will you tell me more about your parents?" Louis asked, his head laying on my chest. We were in his car on a late Tuesday evening, on our way to the next town. These were the times I enjoyed, just relaxing with Louis and for a few moments feeling like we had nothing else in the world to worry about. I stared up at the wooden ceiling, counting the stubs of un-smoothed wood, thinking about my answer.

"What do you want to know?" I hadn't told him much because he never really asked. I think I only ever told him how they died.

"Well, for starters, their names. And just tell me what they were like, what they looked like." I smiled softly because I didn't have to tell him what they looked like, I could just show him. I pulled my pocket watch from my pocket and slipped it under his hand that rested on my chest.

"Open it." I told him. He picked it up and pushed the side button to let it spring open. The room seemed so silent as he observed the picture if them, just the ticking of the watch and our breathing filling the room. "My father's name was Walter and my mum's name was Emily. They were madly in love until the day they died." I paused, swallowing the lump in my throat. "My dad had his own veterinary clinic that he ran from home, and that's why I became a vet. I got to watch him every day and I was just so happy when I helped do things like...making a puppy feel better, I just loved it." I said a random reason that made us both laugh a little. "And my mum, she did a lot at our local church, she would help in fundraising and other small things. And every Sunday morning she dragged us to church, I didn't like it very much but I did learn some things. Mum liked to embroider things, she would do pictures of flowers or even little children playing, but they got burned in the fire." I frowned.

"They sound like great parents." He said, closing my watch.

"They were." I sighed, rubbing my hand up and down his back. "I miss them a lot." I admitted, not afraid to hide anything from Louis. I did miss them, so much it hurt sometimes.

"Do you think they would have liked me?" He asked timidly making me smile brightly.

"I think so, my father, I'm not so sure how he would have handled the situation. But I think my mum would have loved you, oh Louis, I wish you could have felt one of her hugs. She held you close to her and smushed he face in your neck and just held on tight." I sighed, remembering her hugs was hard to do without tearing up. The morning I last saw them I wish I had never let her go. "I miss her hugs, I just..." I sighed deeply, "I just wish it wouldn't hurt anymore."

"Pain never goes away. It will get easier, but it never goes away. Sometimes I still refer to mum as mummy because that was all I ever knew her as. I never got to grow out of the mummy stage." I listened to his words intently. Louis would deny it if I ever told him but he is really good with words. He is good at making me feel better when I'm sad or angry, just his voice can make my world stop and be completely still. "I remember after she died that I kept pretending she was there and we were playing this epic game of hide and go seek. When I would go to bed I would always pretend she was tucking me in and I could hear her voice telling me goodnight.  And as I grew up I kept doing it until one day...I couldn't hear her like I used to and as the days went on her voice got weaker and weaker until...I completely forgot what her voice sounded like a-and I just stopped trying to convince myself that she was going to jump out from somewhere because I didn't find her fast enough. But, I never found her and then I stopped looking all together." He swallowed thickly. Both of us always got emotional talking about our parents. I almost dreaded talking about it because I didn't like seeing Louis cry, it broke my heart.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that." I hugged him tighter. He sniffed and I saw a tear fall on my shirt.

"Don't be," he lifted his head from my chest to look at me, piercing blue, slightly watered, into my green. "it's over, I was a child then, I didn't know any better." I brought my hand up to his head and just rubbed down the side, smoothing the stray hair. I looked into his eyes and just sighed.